Kristina Furey

Black Holes

I keep falling into black holes, unintentional but habitual.  Partly I think it’s a form of self protection.  I’ve just always drawn back into myself and comfortable surroundings, when life gets hard, chaotic, confusing, or there’s just too much on my plate.  It’s not like I try to disappear, it just seems to happen.  I reach into myself more than I reach out.  When people take offense to this it compounds the situation with me reaching in instead of out.  I’ve had enough experience with that and so I have a really bad habit of not reaching out for fear (Yes, fear and I hate that I let fear dictate anything in my life but there you have it!) fear of having to jump through hoops to get back in people’s good graces and so I tend to disappear. 

I feel this has something to do with having foster brother and sisters come and go in my life early on and my mother leaving for a couple years when I was eleven and moving away from all the friends and people I’d grown up with when I was 16 without being able to say good bye and then spending the next two years at a school I didn’t want to be at with people around me I didn’t know and didn’t want to have any attachments to.   (Sorry, those of you that I formed attachments to and you stuck around, I’m fortunate and thankful that you did!)  We didn’t have the internet then so people were just there for me one day and gone the next.  I often tried to stay in touch early on and then it got too painful to be the one always reaching out sometimes impossible (again no internet).  I’ve learned to appreciate my own company and understand as much as I enjoy connecting with people it’s probably too easy for me to disconnect.  It seems to be a good thing with the music as I learned early on with that, people have great intentions to see you again or contact you for a job and then you never hear from them.   I’m not the only one with good intentions…  :-)

I leave my music, my goals and dreams too when I fall into black holes.  I’ve learned that every relationship and every item I own comes with a price tag of time spent, as does every song I write, every goal and every dream and that’s even before I start thinking about the time I spend on the internet, watching TV or on some other distraction from the real world.  And then there’s me, the black hole I fall into, my own need of self care and falling into my own peace.  I need more of it when I’m experiencing extra challenges with my health, my relationships and those curve balls life throws.  It’s not easy for me to fall into those black holes but it seems necessary and strangely comforting.  When I emerge, I always feel a little wiser for it.

 

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