Kristina Furey

It comes through and not of

I have been writing since I could.  My Mother used to tease me, saying I should have been a doctor, something about illegible handwriting.  It’s hard to make it legible when what you have to write is going so quickly through your head, you can’t keep up with it.  

I wake up in the middle of the night with epiphanies and this nagging thought in my head, "If I don’t write at that very moment, what is in my head, it will be lost."  I’ve challenged those thoughts and chosen to write them in the morning, on more than one occasion.  I have found that while I might remember (might) it is never as clear.  

After I sent my screenplay “The List” off and heard nothing back, my mother said to me, “Maybe, you wrote it for you and that’s enough.”  An interesting thing to consider for sure.  Still, I had no reason to write what I had already thought and seen in my head if it was only for me, I concluded.  I remember at one point in my life being extremely concerned something was haunting me.  Just as I was falling asleep I would hear voices telling me things, names and things.  I wondered if I should tell the people what I heard but figured they would think me crazy.  So unless I knew the person well enough and knew it wouldn’t freak them out, I kept it to myself.  Years later, after a terrible bout with my insomnia that landed me in the hospital, I learned this thing I was experiencing is called hypnogogia.  

Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night recently and scribbled this out: A good apology goes something like this.  “I’m sorry.  we deserve the best from each other but I was not at my best in that moment.  I deserve better from (myself/the circumstances we were in) and you deserve the best of me.  I realize, I hurt you and for that I am sorry.  I put my burdens/fears/whatever it was on you and it is not fair that you should carry that burden.  I hope you can see past this and find a way in your heart to forgive me.”  I try to make the past wounds up to myself, because I know I deserve better and others deserve the best of me.  I want to show up ready to give others the best of me, not hand my burdens off to them.  I think honest communication of this brings about awareness of my burdens, in the eyes of others and offers an opportunity to relieve the burdens in a healthier fashion, while opening the door to them to express how they are burdened, so we can cleverly come up with a solution to remove their burdens as well.  I have always known this and perhaps you have too, though it has taken me years to come up with a way to express it, while I suffered silently in shame in my pattern of reacting and then hurting again over my choice to react and the distance it took me from those I love.  I shamefully swallowed it down as I felt it consume me.  That is no way to live a life.  It’s damaging to life, mine and the ones I reacted too. <—That’s it, all I wrote.  Maybe I just wrote it for me or maybe it was for you.  Maybe for all of us…  I wasn’t sure if or how best to share this but decided it best, I be brave and face what might be my crazy, just in case, it might be the grace you waited for, from me, yourself, the divine or someone else.  It’s yours.  Take it or leave it.  It came through me, not of me.  And that’s what I settled on as far as my screen play too.  Maybe there is a collective consciousness, where all things come from and all things go and maybe it belongs to all of us and we are all responsible for what we put into it and maybe we all deserve a piece of what comes from it.

 

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