Kristina Furey

Life, after she left-Ramblings of a conflicted soul

4/12 @ 10:44-I'm editing this today to add this because rather serendipitously I found this just now as I tuned into the A1.  Sally Kohn has handled this wonderfully!  Please listen and share.  Right now the interview is live but you can get the recorded podcast of it tomorrow if not later today.  

https://the1a.org/shows/2018-04-12/are-we-hardwired-to-hate

Now here is my original blog from 4/10 :-)

After my mother left, I think my father's most listened to song, for a while at least, was Art Garfunkel's “All I Know.”  Young and impressionable me, it became a theme for my own life. I have collected other themes over the years from different songs. 

“Little conversations, if I tried my very best, you know I never could say anything in 20 words or less.  Somewhere, sometime down the line, some day I may confess and tell you all but that's all.” --Concrete Blonde 


And when I couldn't find the right fit, I created my own.  I did the same when I couldn't have those difficult conversations and when I saw others in difficult predicaments, I hoped I could voice for them what they could not.

I've been interrupted, talked over and completely dismissed when I've tried to use my voice.  I've studied the room with the intensity of Larry David, come to the conclusion “This is not my crowd,” accepted it and what I needed to do for myself.  Knowing my best choice was to say, “No” and walk away. I have done this rudely before but I have since progressed to a more gentle on me, gentle on them, way of handling things and I never actually walked out on a performance, though there were a few times I thought to myself, it's a choice I could make...  Which is probably why I really love that Larry David did that.  It's very hard to put yourself in front of a bunch of people and have them unresponsive or worse, rude or mean.


I get conflicted when I want to walk away but my bigger want is to help whoever I want to walk away from, realize, how what they're doing is forming this idea in my head that I need to walk.  My thought is, what if I'm not the only one looking for an escape route?  I would prefer someone kindly, gently explain to me.  So, as much as I want to walk, I try to breath and kindly deliver what I need to say.  Though sometimes I find myself seven blocks away and out of breath before I open my mouth to say it.  ;-)  But at least I don't have to find a pay phone anymore to say it.  Cell phones, we can now call from any block we happen to find ourselves on when that courage finally catches up.  Seriously though, this all goes back to how hurt my father was when my mother left.  Granted, she left for her own legitimate reasons but I was left behind to watch my father suffer the impact.  Did I mention, she did not use her voice.  Well, I don't know, maybe she did but wasn't heard or maybe she read the room and thought, "No", I'll just go now...  I don't know but I know all about the fall out.  So even as I want to leave, sometimes I find myself with my feet locked in place, stammering in my mind, with my tongue tied, while begging God for the right words to come. The ones they will hear, feel and give into the truth of... Maybe I'm wrong but I feel like if we can combine those words, with the right inflections and tones and it can work.  We can make them feel it and then they will understand and when they understand, they will see, how to align their actions before it is to late.  My Grandmother once told me the two saddest words in the human language are"Too late".


I have seen too late and it is sad indeed!  You see, all my life I've seen those that chase others away as they build walls, break hearts, devalue others while persuading anyone that will buy into their madness to do the same, while passing the buck onto these now undervalued, likely patsies.  Oh they puff themselves up as they take others down, then wonder why they are alienated. They find more enemies and more wars. They talk tough and let everybody know how strong they are, which to others like themselves, is really just an invitation to war.  “They live in houses of stone. They build the walls all around, in two different worlds, on two sides of town. They live in houses of stone, where they don't let no one in but they never get out cuz they never give in.”(--from one of mine) I see freedom but only in my clearest moments.  When the smoke from my own wars has risen, I see not a battlefield, only the wounded. I see no enemy, only you and me. That's when I feel guilt and regret because when I take time to honestly look at you, I see things I admire, instead of the things that frighten me or anger me. I see solutions instead of pain.  I see things I want for myself in others and I realize, only a crazy person would kill off what they want or war with truth/reality. That skill, that thing, that I haven't yet developed or built for myself is right there, staring at me (maybe staring me down) while I wish they too could see, I have much to offer.  Whether we need for survival or mental well being.  We hold the pieces, that when put together, creates what we need to nurture and preserve life.  Why would I deny myself that (you/the world/my future self)? Therefore, why would I deny my own vulnerabilities, if it is through them I can secure us/you/the world/my future self?  Why? Well, because if I show them, they may be taken advantage of, I may be taken advantage of.  You/world have taught me to be protective. Often overprotective and anxious, so anxious, it can be exhausting! In my darkest moments I count my losses and I realize I am exhausted and I look for ways to leave a trace behind, let them know what I witnessed or experienced.  Save them the pain. WRITE before it is too late.   Get it right, so they get it.  Whoever needs it...  Do it for them, before she leaves or he leaves or another child is dumped into a system or an overbearing world.

“Will you be happy in your castle, when you're in it all alone?  Or will you turn around and call me? Say, “Hey baby come back home?” (--mine) Fortunate for me, my parents love affair had a happy ending.  He said, "Come back home".   Well he also said "Please" and she said “Yes”. They learned, denying their own and/or each others needs does not work in marriage. They learned, there is no leader, only a union.  One built on trust. They learned, when they worked together they could do anything they set out to do and they did!

An afterthought:  I have cautioned many a person, that you can not work with someone that works against you.  You will never get anywhere but crazy, exhausted or depressed.  This is also true in marriages. This is true in families. -- Anyway, in times such as these, that just seems important to note.

 

Be the first to respond!

Leave a comment:

  •