Kristina Furey

"Love and Lust"--Kristina Furey

As of today I have been married to Dan for 27 years.  We dated for four years previous to getting married.   It amazes me how much things have changed in the world since Dan and I got married and how many adventures we have taken on, as well as how many difficult things we have faced together.   Sitting here today, I realize how fortunate I have been to have a hand to hold and particularly, his hand.  

If I were to make a wish for each person in this world, it would be that they too, will be supported by love as they walk through their life.  That with loves gentle hand and guidance they will face the difficult head on and understand that the difficult does not have to travel with them once they have walked through it.  No need for those souvenirs.

I carried so much unnecessary baggage with me as I entered into marriage but marrying a person who picks up my spirit instead of diminishing it has not only been crucial to my survival but also supported me in such a way that moment by moment I have lightened the load of my baggage as I realized what it is to have another person invest so much love in me.  ME!  How awesome is that!?!  Well it’s the most awesome feeling, with the exception of what it is like to generously invest my love in Dan without fear of losing out.  

My mother told me a long time ago as I considered becoming sexually active with my first love to think carefully about it.  She asked, “What happens if you get pregnant?”  I said, “He said, he would marry me.”  I had just turned 18.  In fact, I waited to 18, so I could be “responsible” for my actions.  She said, “If you do get pregnant and he marries you, do you think he may resent you?”  I thought about this…  I was thinker and it was an astute question.  “Yes,” I said, but not as convincing as I had hoped it would come out…   How do you think he will feel when his friends and peers are exploring their new found freedom of being 18 and done with high school and independent?”  Do you think he will continue to feel the same about you, when you and possible child, stand between him and life experiences he could otherwise be having?”  “Well, he loves me,” my answer.  “You, do you have a direction you want to go?”  She knew I did.  I don’t know if she knew my father was intent on stacking the odds against me or the part she played in that intentionally or unwittingly.   WOW, if we could have had that discussion…  How, I could see the walls creeping in on me in such a way I was being led to follow the plans they had set out for me and become who they wanted, instead of who I was.  Perhaps the reason for choosing my boyfriend who had that “Hop on the back of my motorcycle and lets get the hell out of here” attitude.  But now, now this conversation I was having with my mom was bringing a reality to light I feared and I hadn’t yet found a way to erase that one moment, when I saw my boyfriend kick his mother’s dog in irritation.  I thought about my own Dad and his unchecked anger and how it had scarred me and made my brother so defiant.  No, I didn’t want children and I wasn’t sure I wanted permanence with my first love.  Well, I was unsure at that point.  I still needed time, time to observe, so I could figure out if this was the kind of love I needed or if it was not so different from the controlling love I felt I needed to escape.  I needed time and my first love needed to move forward.  It was so hard to let go of him and everything he represented to me.  Hard too, to face the fear that I may never love and be loved again…  I was only eighteen and I had no idea that opportunity comes around and around and I thought I was starving but I wasn’t.  I wasn’t full.  I was satiated and I was okay, even if I did not realize it.  He was a beautiful person, damaged in some ways that were no fault of his own.  Part of me wanted to fix him and part of me needed to fix myself and realized I would have to keep searching for that fix.  I found it in Dan.  I’m so thankful for the conversations I had with my mother, especially that one.  

Two years later and sexually involved with Dan, I wrote the following song (in the style of Annie Lennox’s “Missionary Man”…

My Momma told me a long time ago.  My Momma told me a long time ago.  My Momma told me a long time ago.  My Momma told me a long time ago.—My Momma told me a long time ago, she said, “Girl one day you’re gonna fall in love.  But let me tell you before you do, there are guys you love and there’s guys you lust.  Hey, we are just women but we got those same feelings.  So before you fall in love, you gotta make sure it’s something you can trust.—My Momma told me a long time ago, “I don’t want you losing your head.  There’s a difference between falling in love or just falling into some guys bed.  If you think you found the one, make sure it ain’t lust on the run.  If it’s love it will come in time.  You don’t think with your body, you think with your mind.—My Momma told me a long time ago, she said, “My little babies gonna fall in love.  Just be sure before you do, it’s a guy you love, not just one you lust.  I’m not trying to put love down.  I’m not trying to dictate.  I wish someone would have told me but I guess we all learn from our own mistakes.— Momma told me a long time ago, “Some guys are out there, just looking for fun.  They can damage your self esteem, so when you see them be sure to run.  Be sure, to take your time.  Explore your body and know your mind.  Be sure to respect yourself.  If you don’t then neither will anyone else.—My Momma told me a long time ago.  My Momma told me a long time ago.  My Momma told me a long time ago.  My Momma told me a long time ago.—“If you think you found the one  just make sure it ain’t lust on the run.  But if you find someone to love and lust, well that is, the best feeling, you can trust.”—My Momma told me a long time ago, “My little angels gonna fall in love but just remember before you do there’s a difference between love and lust.”

…Anyway, I took the advice from my own song, though in reality, it was not all from my mom.  It came from many places and I guess I realized I could put it all in a song and maybe that would be helpful to some other girl out there in the world trying to navigate her way through what it’s like to grow up female.  It ain’t easy!  I ran with all types and I was typed, labeled, groped, blackballed at times, sent to the corner by the powers that were and often misunderstood.  Lost until I found myself and when I did, I always went in search of the others like me, in need of being searched out, found, retrieved and gently put back on their pedestals.  I believe more than ever our young girls need that!  And so I share.

Much love and best wishes to you in all your endeavors!


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