Kristina Furey

Moments of clarity

Sometimes I get these moments of clarity on things and realize how helpful it could be to others.  Last week, I had one of those moments as I went on a little adventure with some girlfriends.  In route,  a girlfriend asked me, “What would be your advice to this person I know, who feels like her husband should stick up for her when she is visiting his family and members of that family do things to heckle her or otherwise make her uncomfortable?”  My friend continued to explain how these encounters almost always lead to her and her significant other having spats after visits.  I said things like, “Well she should have a discussion with her significant other before their next encounter about how she feels or if she’s not up to that, start writing a letter now explaining what it is like and how if effects her when she goes through these uncomfortable encounters.  Edit it and edit it, until it contains no blame, just the facts and her explanation of why and how it is hard for her.  I cautioned, she should be prepared for the significant other to get defensive, perhaps even try to make her the bad guy in the situation but to stick to the message of these are my needs.  I said hopefully they will just be more understanding and willing to help mediate.  However, my advice was if they don’t get ironed out before she is due to visit again, she shouldn’t go.  Also, If things seemed settled between her and her significant other but she gets there only to find herself once again heckled without his help, she should help herself and leave.  Call a friend, a cab, an Uber and go.  We have to validate ourselves even if no one else will.

Life is hard enough.  It is unpredictable and at times feels cruel but life has no cruel intentions.  Only facts.  When we try to push against those facts, we find that facts really are unchangeable.  We don’t get to choose the facts of life.  If we feel abused by the facts of life we really have no choice but to accept the facts and cope.  People that mistreat us or allow us to be mistreated are a whole different thing.  

The night of that conversation I went to sleep and woke up in the wee hours of the morning hearing “She needs to be okay.  She needs to tell them she is not okay”.  First thing the following morning, I told my friend this and we discussed how that was actually such a great response because anyone that would argue against someone being able to feel okay, rather than open themselves up to the conversation of why someone is not okay, is really not someone you would be able to be okay with, so it would be self abuse to remain with them.  

My thought is, if you don’t feel okay in a situation the first thing to say is “I don’t feel okay.”  Then state why.  If they don’t get it or argue against you, the next question would be “Do I get to be okay in this relationship?’”  And anything less than "Yes" is a reason to move on.  This “Do I get to be okay” can be utilized in all relationships, family, work, etc…   

Anyway, in this day and age where so many people have come forward with stories of how they were adversely, effected by people, misusing their power, it seems like this may be an important epiphany, to share… if it helps you or could help someone you know, please pass it on.  

I’ve added some more shares at the bottom of my page here.


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