Kristina Furey

Reflections

 

“You wake up, in a room with no windows and no doors.  The only thing in the room, is a table with a mirror.  How do you get out?” The older Girl Scout asked, as my mom was driving us home from the Roller Rink.  “It’s impossible,” I said.  She quickly countered, “Everything is impossible if you don’t believe it’s possible. You’re limiting yourself.  Come on Alice, think!”  Even though things were getting “Curiouser and curiouser” I knew she meant to reference “Alice in Wonderland.”  She and I had recently memorized the poem, “The Jabberwocky” together, for some strange reason I can’t seem to recall.  “You go through the looking glass?”  <—YES, I figured it out!  “No,” she bursts my bubble.   A moment passed by…  “Are you still thinking?”  “Yes”.   “Keep thinking”.
 
I loved brain teasers and I’m pretty sure I instigated this game of riddling one another.  My Obi Wan Kenobi (a retired teacher on our street) had used them to challenge me, when he was done with the impromptu visits I paid to he and his wife. He would tell me one as he walked me back outside to my bicycle and told me to come back when I had the answer, so he could give me another one.   I imagine, to him, I was probably more of a Dennis the Menace but he was patient and took it in stride.  I was just doing what I was taught in elementary school, “When you’re done with your own work, find a neighbor that needs help and help them. When everyone was caught up we would move on to the next lesson.  I extended this to my actual neighborhood neighbors.  I checked in on the older ones and asked if they needed help with anything and glared longingly at cookies, pies or those ribbon candies that merged into one, inside those candy jars that just sat around collecting dust.

I have no recollection of my Obi Wan Kenobi being around when I was in middle school.  I’m not sure if he died before I made it there or if it was a relationship that just ran its course.  I remember at some point, his wife was a widow.

I entered middle school with no real correspondence with my mother, an anxious, depressed father in crisis and no Obi Wan, no hope, no Jedi Master.  There was this sort of brainwashing that went on behind those middle school doors.  It involved middle school aged girls and mirrors.  It was the kind of thing, all the thinking and puzzle solving I had done previously, seemed to prove useless against.   Mirrors, reflections and perceptions filtered by this brainwashing, became a “measuring stick” of worthiness.  I had always believed I was enough but it was getting difficult to have that reflected back and reinforced in my head.  I did my best to keep the faith because as a friend once told me, “Everything is impossible if you don’t believe it’s possible.”  I did not want to limit myself.  I was a kid, inquisitive, active, creative and on the go.  I was never lonely for a friend.    While I might have a tiff with one friend or be iced out by a group, there were always more to hang with, until things worked themselves out.  Girls, guys, older, younger, I wasn’t picky and I always had a blast.  Until middle school.  

I noticed the girls who lingered in front of the mirrors after gym class and between each class in the bathrooms.  I saw mirrors in their lockers and in their purses.  These girls that seemed so attached to their reflections, started messing with mine.  I noticed I didn’t feel so good about myself when I was around them.  I was already dealing with feelings over my mom abandoning me and then to find myself being distanced from girls who used to be my friends was a compounded form of rejection.  Guy friends were treating me different as well. (Again, I blamed those same girls. It appeared to me they were the ones that made the boys feel awkward and mean.)  That sad distance was a feeling I tried to fight sometimes as I swallowed and it was a feeling that seemed to find a home in my belly.  It was during this time that someone I really respected, loved and thought was my confidant told me in a very cruel and what seemed deliberate way, that I had a dark mustache.  When a guy in my class told me, out of all the boys in the classroom, I was growing the best mustache, I realized everyone seemed to be noticing but me.  It was pointed out to me that I had dark circles under my eyes, I was really pale and didn’t tan, my breasts were too big, for my age and build and I had a “Wampa, wampa butt.”  My dark, baby fine hair was pointed out as looking frizzy, looking greasy…   It seemed the list was always being added to.  

I skipped school back then for the same reason, I now limit my time on the computer and stay away from social media.  I need to find my own reflection and I need to discover the truth of the people I interact with.  I don’t want their impaired or propagated reflections.  I don’t trust these things to be healthy for me, my environment or my government.

Back in middle school, my counselor seemed to be stalking me, pulling me out of class and out of the cafeteria on so many occasions that I found myself doing the best I could at times to be invisible.  He was creeping me out with comments about how I hated my mother.  Asking me if my father had put moves on me.  I remember hiding from him in the cafeteria, under the table where the girls around me could hide me with their bodies and legs.  I hated going to his office and being alone with him.  Everything about it felt uneasy.  He never laid a hand on me to my recollection but he messed with my head.  He asked me, accused me or at the very least, insinuated I was or was going to end up a lesbian.  

When I was 15, the actor behind Obi Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness), showed up in a film in my drama class that discussed Alec’s approach to acting and characters.  He did an outside in and inside out approach to his characters.  In a quest to discover my own ability to be great at something, I walked around the house blindfolded for a day, among other outside in approaches and I rushed to the book store to find books on psychology, so I would find my characters’s reasons for their actions and discover how they might carry themselves.  It was in that book store that I began to be able to make some sense of what I hadn’t been able to before and where I began to get insight into Freud and what that counselor might have been looking for when he made his remarks to me.  To this day, I’m uncertain as to whether or not he was a creeper or someone really trying his best, to help the girl that was skipping school all the time but was foolishly playing around with her psyche in the process.  Maybe he was like me, curious to understand the world and bumbling his way through.  It was inappropriate but I have learned by paying attention to myself and others and from using careful consideration as a tool of measurement, that “inappropriate” easily accompanies risk taking and sometimes is part of growth.  Malice is different.  So I believe, Intent, is very important to establish if you desire an environment that is as fair and safe as it can be for all.  All those hurts I got in middle school were maybe just the sum of people bumbling because no one understood the big picture.  I put in the time and research in hopes I could be there for myself and then be there for my neighbors.  I held onto these memories instead of letting them go because my Obi Wan Kenobi taught me to find answers, not frustration, not anger and not malice.  He and his wife were also members of my church and they used “Gods words” to heal, not to judge and not to harm.  I believe they were intellects, who choose not to use that as a weapon, put themselves above others in some high brow fashion or use their wisdom for their own personal gains but because they wanted to use wisdom as King Solomon from the bible did and they wanted to empower others to do the same.  It was that empowering others part, that stuck with me.  I have shared things I have learned in attempts to help others and I have noticed there are those who use these things I share to hurt others instead of empower and help.  I have been distancing myself from them all my life and more so, since my mother passed.  Many things dawned on me as I went through the process of loosing my mother and I am not the same.  I am still patient but somehow less tolerant of people and situations that seem senseless, hurtful or less than considerate.  Maybe one day I will be able to explain this in full.  In the mean time, if it appears to anyone I have isolated, it’s only to reclaim some part of myself, evolve some part of myself or maybe just preserve something worth preserving...  I'm not sure but something sacred to me, feels to be at risk of extinction. 

I continue to learn the same lessons over and over again in my own attempts for wisdom and just as soon as I think I am wise, I trip myself up.  I did not expect that I would still be bumbling through life in my own attempts for wisdom, at my fine age of 52.  I did not understand when I was younger that age has nothing to do with being a fool or not.  I did not understand that education has nothing to do with being wise or that money and titles have nothing to do with deserving.  I did not understand as a child of 11, that people would alter my reflection by mirroring back at me what was their own flaws or in their own best interest.  Thanks to my Obi Wan Kenobi/s, I do understand “The Force” is my soul’s fingerprint left on this earth when I am gone; My truth, in honest reflection.  

Brain Teaser Answer:  That brain teaser my friend riddled me with, seemed to require a bit of a stretch of the imagination.  I was unable to figure it out and she got to tell me the answer.  I was kind of annoyed with the answer because I felt I had no fair chance at getting it right but maybe I was just a sore loser.  You be the judge.  “You look in the mirror.  You see what you saw.  You take that saw and you saw the table in half.  Two halves make a whole (Always remember that part “Two halves make a whole" <3) or in this case two halves make a hole.  That hole leads to freedom.” Take your freedom and run with it!

One last reflection on this subject:  I think looking in the mirror and seeing what you saw, remembering it and being kind enough to share it, can help other people find freedom.  My mother and I loved “Free To Be, You and Me” by Marlo Thomas.  She loved it so much that she had it put on a license plate and she put that plate on the first car she ever bought by herself.  Yes, she did have to have a man there with her before the salesman would sell it to her.  1980, and she couldn't buy a car without a man.  Since she was separated from my father at the time her brother went with her.  But I suppose that’s a story for another day.  She took her freedom and won my father's respect with it.  She later passed that car, with that license still on it, to me :-)

 

just checking in

 

If I had any talent drawling, I would have drawn a political comic of Mueller in a puffy gown, wearing a crown, holding a wand and approaching Nancy Pelosi like Glinda the Good Witch in "The Wizard of Oz" approaching Dorothy.   The dialog would have gone something like this.  Nancy:  Oh will you help us?  Can you help us?  Mueller:  You've always had the power to start impeachment. 

If you did not watch the testimony last week, it was towards the end of the day when Adam Schiff was able to get Mueller to say what I thought was the most important thing:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWiFpxxWFlQ

I don't know what more we need to hear than that to begin the impeachment process and have Trump state the truth and nothing but the truth and then have that truth cross examined. 

I'm not sure what country I am in anymore sometimes.  I see what passes for news and I just shake my head.  I am concerned that our TV stations and radio stations are all owned by the same people.  Between that, a lack of net neutrality and local newspaper closures, I just think our media is in a similar position to that of the social media accounts created by one person or group to look like many people or groups putting out the same message.  Everything is being dominated by big business.  sigh....

I encourage you to take your place in our democracy.  I encourage you to seek out the facts as best you can.  Educate yourself.  Question the system.  Don't rely on news bites or allow other people to interpret the world around you, for you.  Get some points of views that challenge your own so you can see what sticks and what may not really be a reflection of your belief system.  If you are a religious person, read your books that teach you and don't become reliant upon another person to interpret these things for you.  Question your leaders.  If it seems wrong or feels wrong, stop following or going down paths that don't suit you.  Don't be afraid of change, instigate change where it can help improve things.  Teach your children to do the same.  Check out all the candidates as best you can, watch the debates and VOTE! 

 

 

Can President be charged w/federal crime while in office?

 

“A president can not be charged with a federal crime while he is in office”.  Check out minute 4:40 here:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=U2lSNkK-goA   I did not know this.  I did know Mueller is not the judge or jury.  He is simply the messenger.  He was working for you and me and on behalf of our country.  He has done his part.  It is time for the rest of us to do ours. 

Some people get diagnosed by their doctors (the messengers) as having diabetes.  They can ignore this decease and it may take their foot or it may take their life or they might develop some other complications from it, like cancer.   If they do not take the necessary action it will continue to be a problem and most likely continue to become a bigger problem.  Their doctor didn’t give them the diabetes and it wouldn’t make the diabetes go away if they called the doctor a fraud or misinterpreted what the doctor said.  It wouldn’t even make the diabetes go away, if they made the doctor testify in front of the house, the facts, of what was in the doctors report.   Not even if they called the doctor out on twitter?  No.  You see facts are facts, whether we want to hear them and act upon them or not.  Some people may suspect they have diabetes and never get tested.  Does that mean they don’t have it?  The facts are the facts whether we know them or choose to know them or not! 

At minute 9:10 https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=2&v=U2lSNkK-goA   Mueller says, “There were multiple systematic efforts to interfere in our election and that allegation deserves the attention of every American.”  I just want to say, “Thank you Mueller, for the work you have done.  I am sorry if you feel like you are under attack for doing your job.  I realize it is not your job to do anything but report the findings in the investigation.  I am doing my best, in my job, as an American citizen, to educate myself on those facts and let my representatives know what I expect from them.  I am also doing the best I can to help inform others and better yet, direct them to inform themselves.”  

Tomorrow at 8am, Mueller is scheduled to testify before House lawmakers.  That is Wednesday, July 24th at 8am and you can stream it here:  https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/watch-live-robert-mueller-testifies-before-congress

Since my last blog I have continued to read The Mueller Report and here are my latest notes if you'd like to check them out. 

 174-“The office similarly determined that the contacts between the Campaign officials and Russia-linked individuals either did not involve the commission of a federal crime or, in the case of campaign-finance offenses, that our evidence was not sufficient to obtain and sustain a conviction.  At the same time, the Office concluded that the principles of the Federal prosecution supported charging certain individuals connected to the Campaign, with making false statements or otherwise obstructing this investigation or parallel congressional investigations.

Pg 185 and 186,  Describes how the June 9th Trump Tower meeting, the one with Trump Jr., Kushner and Manafort in attendance, was considered a possible implication that our laws were violated.  The law as I understand it is the “Foreign Contributions Ban”.  Which brings up  a “Thing of value”.  This type of gift from a foreign entity is illegal.   When Trump Jr. was offered this by Emin and Aras Agalarov, in the form of  information, given with the purpose of influencing an election for Federal office.  Trump Jr. welcomed this meeting  with an email reply of “If it’s what you say, I love it, especially later in the summer” and the “it” was information on Hilary Clinton that would benefit the Trump Campaign.   Now, if I understand what I read correctly, he did not receive the information at that meeting.  (I suggest, if you can, you read the report for yourself.  It would benefit you, help give you a fuller understanding of what the laws are and why they are there.   I mean really, whether or not a court of law could decide if the laws were broken, I have to believe that you have your own since of justice and hopefully enough interest in your country and loved ones, to educate yourself on what made this election and those involved so questionable.  If for no other reason than to support your belief system and ideas of what is right and wrong, as you go to the polls in 2020.  Where I see connections to a law being broken, you may not.  Which is why you may want to read it for yourself.)

Pg 192 begins the coverage of Papadopoulos (Policy Advisor to the Trump campaign), how he lied to the FBI.  It also goes into detail on how he impeded the investigation and kept the FBI from effectively questioning Mifsud, while the had the opportunity.

Pg 194 begins the coverage of Flynn (National Security Advisor to President Trump), how he made 2 false statements.  How he asked Russian Ambassador Kislyak to refrain from escalating the situation in response to the United States imposition of sanctions (while Obama was President-December 2016), yet claimed during FBI investigations that he did not ask Kislyak to refrain.  Flynn also “falsely told” (isn’t that the same as a lie?) the FBI he didn’t remember follow up conversations with Kislyak.  AND he “made false statements about calls he had previously made to Russia and other countries regarding a resolution submitted by Egypt to the United Nations Security Council on December 21, 2016.”  Hmmm? looks like he also may have requested those countries take a particular action…  What do you think?  Check out page 195 1st paragraph.  Oh and these claims were made when he was National Security Advisor.  You will find this in the 2nd paragraph.  

Same page (195) begins the coverage of Michael Cohen and Trump Tower Moscow.  You can read this one to decide if you think it may tie Trump to the Russians.  This might be the reason candidates are supposed to submit financial information for review when running for President.  You know so “We the people” know before we elect someone, if they may possibly have allegiance to another, or bond or be in bond to any other person, institution or country. 

I am reading this thing all the way through and I will continue to blog on what I learn.

Love & Peace

 

"Want to play a game?"--WOPR

 

As my cold is finally showing signs of going away, I have found myself playing catch up this week.  So I did not get as much reading in as I had hoped.  I did make time to do some writing.  I had a very vivid dream this week of watching the news and seeing dead refugee children in our White House, on the floor.  It was similar to footage I once saw of Jonestown, the floor was just littered with bodies.  I heard a news reporter saying, “Final clues are in and it was President Trump, in the White House, with the weapon, Executive Privileges.”  I woke up thinking about something I started writing some weeks back, an attempt to purge myself of anger I felt over Trump bully tactics.  I’ve just been adding to it over the past weeks.  It’s mostly one liners.  A reminder of why I don’t like to write a song but instead prefer to translate it, from where ever it comes from, when it just shows up in my head.  If I ever finish it, it will be called “War Games”.  I had this idea of WOPR from the movie “War Games” asking “Want to play a game?”  I added the bit from my dream’s, news reporter to it.  So far, this is all I have

"Want to play a game?- I chose my battles carefully and I gave you floor time-Let you play the games you wanted till I was going out of my mind-With your winners and your losers, your victims, your abusers-till we all fall down-You played "hide and seek" with the truth till it couldn't be found-You played "Finder's Keepers, Losers Weepers"-And then you slapped Jack all over town.  It's "Olley, Olley, Income Free"-Fast and loose with "Monopoly"-I call "Bullshit" they don't get it-so you don't quit-I see more shoots than there's ladders-our flag being captured-The clues are adding up to this-Trump in the White House with Executive Privileges-We played "Truth or Dare" till I realized all the truths were lies.-It's a no win and I choose not to play-give me my piece back and please just go away-cause I don't want to play your war games."

I wrote letters this week, to my state and District Representatives, Senator, members of the Judiciary Committee and members of the house leadership, as I mulled over the latest, Trump racial comments and my dream, that left me questioning if I was somehow an accomplice to Trump's bullying if I did not take some sort of stand.  So this is what I wrote:
“Dear Representative (name added)
It is my understanding that those who framed our countries government, left room for impeachment, as a tool to rid ourselves of a president who is a danger to our constitutional order.  Representative (name added), President Trump, continues to be a danger to our constitutional order and I am writing you, to ask you, “Please, begin the impeachment process!”
In respect and on behalf of our country, what it stands for and it’s people,
(signed my name and printed it)

I am posting this here so if you feel the same, you will have the words to say what you feel or if you wanted to use this as an example, to help you write your own, this can serve you.  

Here are notes I took this week while reading the Mueller Report.

Pg 168 1st paragraph explains how Trump and his Transition Team in December of 2016 (post briefing and with an understanding of President Obama’s position) began to work on their own position (in contrast to Obama’s) using Russian connections, as well as, Egyptian.

pg 172  In regards to a summarized call with Kislyak (Russian Ambassador) that Flynn (Trump’s incoming National Security Advisor) corresponded with: “Shortly there after Flynn sent a text message to McFarland summarizing his call with Kislyak from the day before, which she emailed to Kushner, Bannon, Priebus and other Transition Team members.  The text message and email did not include sanctions as one of the subjects discussed with Kislyak.  Flynn told the Office that he did not document his discussions of sanctions because it could be perceived as getting in the way of the Obama’s Administration on foreign policy.”  <—Worth Reading, along with the paragraphs leading up to this and those that follow.

pg 173 The last paragraph says there were multiple links between the Trump Campaign officials and individuals tied to the Russian government and then supports that statement with others.  Then it goes on to say “Ultimately, the investigation did not establish that the campaign coordinated or conspired with the Russian government in its election-interference activities.”

BUT WAIT, that’s not it, there’s 448 pages in the report and I intend to read them all, learn what I can and hopefully be of service to those of you who maybe don’t have the time but may benefit from the time I spend and what I share. 

 

What I found

 

Last week this video found me https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=70&v=dLAMflhR3mE
While I have been meaning to read the Mueller Report myself, I had not yet made time to do it.  This video was the kick in the butt I needed!!  I realize celebrities words and endorsements can be bought.  I heard someone on the radio in the past few months say that Trump’s name had been mentioned in a bunch of songs, by a bunch of artists, prior to his political run and I wondered if it wasn’t just a product placement thing. (brand awareness, looking like the artists are endorsing him, when something else is actually going on...)  Are we aware when something is paid for. When it is product placement?  Once upon a time didn’t someone say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30”?  Today, I try to keep in mind, it is best I not trust anyone who may be getting paid or otherwise reimbursed for what they say or otherwise indicate.  I trust my intuition and in this case as I watched the video, it was stating very loudly, “What are you waiting for?  Read the report!  Educate yourself and others!!

I’m still fighting off my cold.  Thankfully, it has gotten much better.  That was not the case as I began to read the report.  I really struggled with motivation and clarity.  Maybe it was my stuffed up head, the cold medicine, or something to do with my ability to process in general or maybe, it was just not an easy read for anyone.  It began like an Ann Rice novel, its beginning full of names, information, and history.  A lot of information to decipher and keep straight.  I really have to hand it to Mueller for his thorough work and time.  Thank you!  As I continued reading it got easier, which again, is more proof of what a great job Mueller did.  I am only currently on page 144.  Between finding time, clearing my head and processing, it has gone slowly but I want as thorough an understanding of it as I can get.   Page 19 of the Mueller Report makes me wonder if the person/people holding signs were paid.  Page 29, paragraph 1, was certainly an eye opener to what “puppet masters” can achieve.  Something we should all read, so as to be more cautious to know, whom we are dealing with, exactly.  Page 44, second to last paragraph, Assange’s intent is explained and probably worth people taking note, as it again shows the “puppet master” thought process.  

An aside:  I found the whole election of 2016 distasteful.  Too many times, I have seen or heard someone tell the tale of how a person worked hard in their profession for years and just as they neared what seemed, should be their promotion, an outsider, without knowledge of the job or experience in the job was hired from outside and the person with years invested, wound up passed over.  I witnessed this over and over again in 2016, first in the Republican party as many more qualified candidates were passed over and again in the final election, when it was a qualified woman that was passed over.  I admit Hillary was not my first choice but she was the more qualified choice in the end.  Everything about the election seemed foul to me.  Including the way we Americans were turning on our own.  <—I hope this doesn’t come off so much as a rant as it does a question to each of us, “Does this scenario represent what we believe in?”

Okay, I’m going to wind this up here, though I do have more notes I’d like to share another day and a lot more reading to do.

I will leave you with this song I quickly penned in June of last year.  

UNDER STARS AND STRIPES

We don’t have to fight do we?
Under our stars and stripes truly?
Are we still one?


One nation under God & do you see
the golden rule applies to you and me?
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all.

I don’t mean to bother you with details
but somewhere along the way
we were derailed.
Has one nation under God been failed?
Are we lost? Are we lost?

Have we lost our way?
Have we been misguided?
Should we find direction
somewhere in the night?
Has our Star Spangled Banner waved goodbye
with the American dream?
They are we, you and me
and US you see,
we should not be divided.

 

Blurry head

 

I was sick this 4th of July.  A cold.  Haven’t had one of those since April, 2017.  Not feeling good and in a bit of a funk.  Everything seems to take more effort than what I feel I have to invest.  Yet, I try.  It’s a very blurry, stuffed up to my ears, kinda thing going on, keeping me from thinking through on my decisions, like the precarious placement of a dish that shattered into so many shards.  Took way more time to clean it up than it would have to think through my lazy dish placement decision. Just don’t feel like myself and I’m waiting, wishing, praying, that the buzzy little bee part of me, will quickly return.  In the meantime, I’m trying hard not to infect those around me with my cold or lousy attitude.  That said, I’ll just wish you “peace” and be off, lest I betray myself and you, in the process.  

Stay healthy!!!

 

What's the purpose?

 

I keep going back to this quote I heard this past week, “When purpose is bigger than pain, purpose wins and when pain is bigger than purpose, pain wins.”  I am so mad at myself that I do not remember where I heard it or who made this remark!   But with the debates this past week, I found myself trying to decipher the purpose behind each candidates run.  I couldn’t help but notice there are a lot of them.  I found myself questioning those in charge of the debates, the moderators, those in the control booth, calling the shots and yeah the camera operators too.  I couldn’t help but notice the background, while very flattering behind some candidates, behind others it was completely distracting.  Was there a purpose behind that?  The camera angles?  Who is getting the most attention?   Was it by design?  Was someone’s purpose being put into action?  I did get the feeling, the Democratic party runners had enough purpose in alignment with each other, that if their purpose is to serve their country and not their own egos, they can pool their resources and as a result pull voters together on behalf of those changes the candidates seemed to agree on.  ¿Cómo se dice work together?

When I look at the problems that currently exist in our country, I see pain begets pain.  It changes the chemistry of a person, causes trauma, diminishes hope, can interfere with rational thinking, can spread like a virus and it can lead to death.  Once upon a time, I walked towards pain with purpose.  My purpose being, an attempt to understand it, in hopes of helping to alleviate it.  I have experienced those in pain, throwing it my direction.  I liken it to a wounded animal biting a vet that is trying to save it or a pack of hungry dogs on the attack.  I have found my own traumatic experiences, coupled with a history of being bit, a bit too many times, has me feeling much less trustful of people’s intentions, to the point, more often than not these days, I find myself shrinking back in an effort to save what is left of my energy and health.  Regretfully, pain has become bigger than purpose.  You know what I hate?  I hate THAT.  I don’t hate a person, a political party, a desperate immigrant or a foreign country.  I hate pain and more than that, I hate that I have allowed pain to become bigger than purpose!  

Anyway, I’m really mad at myself that I did not write down the name of the speaker of that quote because I owe them heaps of gratitude for showing up with that quote in the nick of time.  Thank you!!!  I will do my best to pass it on!  I hope those Democratic Presidential candidates will make purpose bigger than, not only pain, but bigger than their individual egos.  I hope their purpose is to serve all Americans in such a way that we can be healthy enough and educated enough to go about serving the purpose.  I hope the purpose we are serving is the life and health of our planet and the inhabitants here.  Along with that I hope we are serving the purpose of liberty, equality, justice and love.  

So what is my purpose for blogging?  Simply to share experiences, thoughts and questions, in hopes others may find them helpful.  I think we are so much better than the traumas and the wounds we allow to skew our purpose as a species. 

 

Just seems relevant

 

It was the summer of the Spice Girls, 97 or 98 and there was drama on the street I lived on.  Two,  previously good friends, who lived side by side, had found themselves on opposite sides of a divorce case.  One beautiful little boy caught in the middle.  There was a lot of drama surrounding him that summer but most of the time he had his headphones on and was listening to and dancing to the Spice Girls.  “Miss Kristina, listen!”  He had placed his headphones on my ears, I listened to the Spice Girls and smiled at him.  They were the friends he would dance away with, when the world around him seemed crazy and it was starting to get a bit crazy as the school year wound down.  His mother and their next door neighbor, who had been friends prior to either one moving to the neighborhood, had begun to have problems with each other.  There had been a few loud, tense moments between them.   The mother was also beginning to have some loud, tense moments with her ex-husband, who had also been a friend of her neighbor.

The boy was either in second grade or third as school let out and just prior to school letting out he had told his mom, “Daddy drives drunk”.    The drunk driving topic had somehow come up in school in a special “Family Life” class, given by the school Counselor.  He explained to his mother that he had spoken to the Counselor about this and she told him to tell his mother.  She in turn called the Counselor and asked, “Did you report this to anyone.”  “No, we leave that to you,” is what she was told.  She in turn, brought it up to his father, who got irate.  Evidently, one of the friends he partied with, was the woman who lived next door to them and she had taken the ex-husband’s side.  The Mom shared this with me as the tears ran down her cheeks.  “And today, I learned something else from my son.  He has been swimming at his baby-sitters house, while she is inside napping.  There are no adults watching him.  It’s just kids in a pool.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I encouraged her to get a new sitter.  She worked for the Navy.  I knew that.  What I didn’t know was she was getting up at 4:30am, taking her son to the child care provider, using their house key to let herself in, laying her son with his blanket and pillow on the couch, so he could go back to sleep as she quietly slipped off to work.  “How do I find another provider that will allow me to do that?” She had asked me.  

I engaged my mouth before my brain.  I’ll watch him.  As a stay at home mom, I was a kind of “catch all” for kids in my life whose parents had no choice but to work.  I was allowed to be some stability in their lives, when their parents split and had a hard time balancing out the single parent thing.  I immediately wondered if this might be taking on more than I felt comfortable with but reasoned that he got along with both of my kids.  I think she may have seen on my face that I spoke up too soon.   I’m sure she had seen that I watched a couple of other kids and that my home was one where kids where always showing up.  She thanked me for the offer but did not take me up on it.  Instead she found another neighbor, stay at home mom, who had a son that was a little younger than hers and could use the extra income.  It worked out for a few weeks.  Then I was asked if I could watch him.  I said I would.  I got a phone call from the other neighbor who had been watching him, who told me he had kissed her son.  She had some other concerns she ran by me as well.  She was a free range mom, while I was more of a hoover mother.  A Beverly Goldberg type. I was probably over involved.  My own experiences growing up, had a lot to do with me feeling a need to be on guard.  Which is why I considered, “the universe had brought us together for a reason.”  If I saw signs of things, I would kindly let on to his mother.  I was also aware that his behavior might have been completely normal, for him.  I watched and did my best to be there for him.  He did share some things with me that he had witnessed at his father’s house.  I kindly spoke of these things to his mother but not the things the other neighbor had told me, as I had not witnessed anything that would have been in alignment with her remarks.  He did love those Spice Girls and was all about the movie and the dancing.  I figured, they too, may have been brought his way by the universe that summer, for a reason.  

Things heated up all summer long on our block and by the early fall (I believe it was) a bunch of us found ourselves in court.  The mom, the dad, the neighbor (previous friend), the Counselor, some other people and myself.  The mother was filing for full custody.  The ex-friend was brought in as a character witness or something, for the ex-husband.  I was there to tell the judge what I witnessed over the summer, while I watched the boy.  The Counselor who wanted no part of the hearing, was only there because she was subpoenaed.  She had her husband call the mother of the child and tell her she was ruining his wife’s life and going to make her lose her job.  The last thing she wanted was to testify.  

I learned about hearsay, in depth, for the very first time.  All I had to tell the court was what the boy had told me.  What he told me about visits to his father’s house, concerned me.  He was concerned.  He did not want to go to his father’s house anymore.  “His mother has coerced him,” “manipulated him,” was what the man claimed.  Not so.  This child was afraid his father was going to kill him with his recklessness.  At the end of the case, nothing had changed, except that the mother had a lot of debt, she was told by her lawyer had to be paid pronto.  “Do you have a credit card?” The lawyer asked her when she asked if she could be put on a payment plan.  The mother told me, “The worst part is, my son doesn’t feel like he has anyone looking out for his well-being.”  I told her and I told him, he needs to empower himself.  Get him a cell phone.  The next time he feels his father has had too much to drink and will be driving home, he needs to excuse himself to the bathroom, where he can call 911 and tell the police.  He can ask them to drive him to his father’s or If he is afraid of the father (the mother told me she left the father because he “beat the shit out of her”)  He should tell the officers on the scene, why he is afraid of his father and ask to be driven to a safe place.   It’s a shame when a child is not protected by the adults in their life.

As for hearsay, it means if you weren’t physically there, witnessing something, it is inadmissible in court because you can not be relied upon for the truth in a statement you heard from someone else.   That other person needs to be cross examined and if they are not in court, that can’t be done.  So it turns out, I brought nothing to the court room but hearsay.  Totally useless information by their standards.  I was prepared to tell the judge, things the boy had told me.  Things he said happened in his fathers company and fears he had.  It did leave me contemplating the idea of hearsay and I have kept it in mind since, when I have received second hand information from other people.  I try, not to “play telephone” with information someone else has passed on to me unless I can validate it but it’s a very tricky thing, as we are all learning, since the internet came into our lives and it was tricky even before the internet.  Yes, I realize, just about everything in what I have just written, is hearsay.  Most of what we hear in our daily lives is.  So we should be considerate and careful of what we say and breath life into.  I know it is hard to look for the facts.  It’s work, I know.  It requires a bit of patience, which is harder to have when we are anxious or angry but it is a cost well worth paying.

 

"Girl! Girl! Girl!"--Receptionist in "Dead to Me"

 

Did you happen to see the NETFLIX TV Show “Dead to Me”? I kept getting this question. I wanted to see it but hadn't gotten to it and my women friends are all like, “YOU HAVE TO SEE IT”!!!  I’m like, “OKAY THEN”!!!  You know what it's like? HBO’s “Barry".  It will have you on the edge of your seat one moment and then laughing the next.  Only it's like the more feminine version and it has gotten women talking about serious things, like “Should I get bangs?  I love Linda Cardellini’s bangs and I’m thinking, maybe I should get some like her’s…”  Wait no, that’s not the serious part.  It’s the other thing about her character.   Can I say it?  GO AWAY IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!  SPOILER ALERT!  Are they gone?  i’ll whisper this next part, just in case they haven’t made it out of the room yet. the miscarriages.  According to the Mayo Clinic 10-20 percent of known pregnancies, end up miscarriages but most women don’t know this and tend to feel alone in their grief and trauma.  More women of color tend to have them (or have more, I'm not exactly sure buy you can try to figure it out here https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3664339/  Miscarriage is actually a frowned upon term as it may denote that something was amiss in the carrier of the baby or the way the pregnancy was handled.  Which is why I ask you to get the word out 10-20% of clinically identified pregnancies are lost before the completion of 20 weeks 

Women need to talk about these things!  In this interview with Christina Applegate she tells of how “Married With Children” was not allowed to have a show where Christina’s and Katey Segal’s characters had synchronized periods.  When watching "Dead to Me" you can see that we have come a long way since those days.  Today, we can watch an intelligent, suspenseful TV show like "Dead to Me," that also aces the Bechdel-Wallace test!  So of course we’re telling our girlfriends, “GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, you must see this”! 

I would also like to direct your attention to 1A’s show on “What Does it Mean to Lose a Pregnancy” and “Your Questions Answered About Abortion”  And no, it is not a debate.  It is purely informative.  If you have wondered about the question of personhood and how that may affect things like child support, tax deductions, if a woman can be put in jail if she is pregnant and her child has not been charged with any crime, if this will affect people going the route of in vitro fertilization, if someone can be charged with murder for going out of state for an abortion or babies who are brain dead but still have a heart beat or ectopic pregnancies, then this is something you should hear.  

It is traumatic enough for a woman to lose her child prior to or at birth.  I hope we never wake up in country that would torture a woman further by accusing her of aborting.   1 in 4 women by age 45 has miscarried.  Take a moment to let that sink in.  1 in 4.  Hug your daughters, your sisters, your mother, your girlfriends and be sure to tell them you love them.  If you pray, pray for them too! 

 

Maybe we can work together

 

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.  I have some lyrics and a tune.  Basically, I have stone soup and unfortunately a finger stuck in the pointing position.  It’s like someone gave my finger Viagra and it won’t stop pointing.  Luckily, it’s not its neighboring finger, AKA, the bird.  Still, I realize I need a little balance here.  A little less pointing and a little more willingness to trust and play well with others.  I would like to try and co-write a better song.  

Okay, so this song, I’m working on…  imagine a song like SLY FOX “Let’s Go All The Way” being chased by the dogs in JANE’S ADDICTION “Been Caught Stealing” only coming from somewhere over the WALL OF VOODO by way of “Mexican Radio”.   I know you’re probably thinking, “She’s got those kids from Port Isabel Detention Center on her mind” and yeah I do but also those tunes and they somehow merge into a new tune and next thing I know, I’m getting flashes of news show "20/20" in my head.  Remember, investigative reporting, how it gave you a better view of the world and your place in it.  You somehow had confidence that if the fox was guarding the hen house, you were gonna find out and justice would follow.  Ah, the beautiful nostalgia of “20/20”, while looking towards 2020.  By the way, “20, 20” is the name of the song.  I imagine a song, like “Feed the World” where artists come together to make something that reminds our fellow Americans of what we can accomplish when we work together.  I’m not looking to support a candidate.  I believe in democracy.  To me, it is more important that everyone is represented at the polls.  I think it would be really cool to be a part of something like that and where any money made, would be invested in helping people get to the polls or into mental health subsidies. 

Here's the lyrics I've settled on so far:

20 ,20

Tell me how we got here?

Why's my vision unclear?

Anger rising everywhere.

Is this 20, 20?

 

Are we looking for a war?

Do you know what you're in it for?

Your answer shouldn't be ignored.

See you in 20, 20

 

Looking through 20, 20 tell me what you see?

Oh say, can you see, far enough to make out the American dream?

 

Everyone's feeling dizzy here.

Hopefully there vision clears.

Finally see no enemy.

There's you and there's me, in 20, 20.

 

Can you read the writing on the wall?

Try the part where it gets small.

Got your prescription here.

Get clear in 20, 20.   

Here's are links to my original recordings.  1, 2 and 3.  I have since cut what did not support what I determined to be the intent of the song and tried to pretty it up.