Kristina Furey

"Want to play a game?"--WOPR


As my cold is finally showing signs of going away, I have found myself playing catch up this week.  So I did not get as much reading in as I had hoped.  I did make time to do some writing.  I had a very vivid dream this week of watching the news and seeing dead refugee children in our White House, on the floor.  It was similar to footage I once saw of Jonestown, the floor was just littered with bodies.  I heard a news reporter saying, “Final clues are in and it was President Trump, in the White House, with the weapon, Executive Privileges.”  I woke up thinking about something I started writing some weeks back, an attempt to purge myself of anger I felt over Trump bully tactics.  I’ve just been adding to it over the past weeks.  It’s mostly one liners.  A reminder of why I don’t like to write a song but instead prefer to translate it, from where ever it comes from, when it just shows up in my head.  If I ever finish it, it will be called “War Games”.  I had this idea of WOPR from the movie “War Games” asking “Want to play a game?”  I added the bit from my dream’s, news reporter to it.  So far, this is all I have

"Want to play a game?- I chose my battles carefully and I gave you floor time-Let you play the games you wanted till I was going out of my mind-With your winners and your losers, your victims, your abusers-till we all fall down-You played "hide and seek" with the truth till it couldn't be found-You played "Finder's Keepers, Losers Weepers"-And then you slapped Jack all over town.  It's "Olley, Olley, Income Free"-Fast and loose with "Monopoly"-I call "Bullshit" they don't get it-so you don't quit-I see more shoots than there's ladders-our flag being captured-The clues are adding up to this-Trump in the White House with Executive Privileges-We played "Truth or Dare" till I realized all the truths were lies.-It's a no win and I choose not to play-give me my piece back and please just go away-cause I don't want to play your war games."

I wrote letters this week, to my state and District Representatives, Senator, members of the Judiciary Committee and members of the house leadership, as I mulled over the latest, Trump racial comments and my dream, that left me questioning if I was somehow an accomplice to Trump's bullying if I did not take some sort of stand.  So this is what I wrote:
“Dear Representative (name added)
It is my understanding that those who framed our countries government, left room for impeachment, as a tool to rid ourselves of a president who is a danger to our constitutional order.  Representative (name added), President Trump, continues to be a danger to our constitutional order and I am writing you, to ask you, “Please, begin the impeachment process!”
In respect and on behalf of our country, what it stands for and it’s people,
(signed my name and printed it)

I am posting this here so if you feel the same, you will have the words to say what you feel or if you wanted to use this as an example, to help you write your own, this can serve you.  

Here are notes I took this week while reading the Mueller Report.

Pg 168 1st paragraph explains how Trump and his Transition Team in December of 2016 (post briefing and with an understanding of President Obama’s position) began to work on their own position (in contrast to Obama’s) using Russian connections, as well as, Egyptian.

pg 172  In regards to a summarized call with Kislyak (Russian Ambassador) that Flynn (Trump’s incoming National Security Advisor) corresponded with: “Shortly there after Flynn sent a text message to McFarland summarizing his call with Kislyak from the day before, which she emailed to Kushner, Bannon, Priebus and other Transition Team members.  The text message and email did not include sanctions as one of the subjects discussed with Kislyak.  Flynn told the Office that he did not document his discussions of sanctions because it could be perceived as getting in the way of the Obama’s Administration on foreign policy.”  <—Worth Reading, along with the paragraphs leading up to this and those that follow.

pg 173 The last paragraph says there were multiple links between the Trump Campaign officials and individuals tied to the Russian government and then supports that statement with others.  Then it goes on to say “Ultimately, the investigation did not establish that the campaign coordinated or conspired with the Russian government in its election-interference activities.”

BUT WAIT, that’s not it, there’s 448 pages in the report and I intend to read them all, learn what I can and hopefully be of service to those of you who maybe don’t have the time but may benefit from the time I spend and what I share. 


What I found


Last week this video found me
While I have been meaning to read the Mueller Report myself, I had not yet made time to do it.  This video was the kick in the butt I needed!!  I realize celebrities words and endorsements can be bought.  I heard someone on the radio in the past few months say that Trump’s name had been mentioned in a bunch of songs, by a bunch of artists, prior to his political run and I wondered if it wasn’t just a product placement thing. (brand awareness, looking like the artists are endorsing him, when something else is actually going on...)  Are we aware when something is paid for. When it is product placement?  Once upon a time didn’t someone say, “Don’t trust anyone over 30”?  Today, I try to keep in mind, it is best I not trust anyone who may be getting paid or otherwise reimbursed for what they say or otherwise indicate.  I trust my intuition and in this case as I watched the video, it was stating very loudly, “What are you waiting for?  Read the report!  Educate yourself and others!!

I’m still fighting off my cold.  Thankfully, it has gotten much better.  That was not the case as I began to read the report.  I really struggled with motivation and clarity.  Maybe it was my stuffed up head, the cold medicine, or something to do with my ability to process in general or maybe, it was just not an easy read for anyone.  It began like an Ann Rice novel, its beginning full of names, information, and history.  A lot of information to decipher and keep straight.  I really have to hand it to Mueller for his thorough work and time.  Thank you!  As I continued reading it got easier, which again, is more proof of what a great job Mueller did.  I am only currently on page 144.  Between finding time, clearing my head and processing, it has gone slowly but I want as thorough an understanding of it as I can get.   Page 19 of the Mueller Report makes me wonder if the person/people holding signs were paid.  Page 29, paragraph 1, was certainly an eye opener to what “puppet masters” can achieve.  Something we should all read, so as to be more cautious to know, whom we are dealing with, exactly.  Page 44, second to last paragraph, Assange’s intent is explained and probably worth people taking note, as it again shows the “puppet master” thought process.  

An aside:  I found the whole election of 2016 distasteful.  Too many times, I have seen or heard someone tell the tale of how a person worked hard in their profession for years and just as they neared what seemed, should be their promotion, an outsider, without knowledge of the job or experience in the job was hired from outside and the person with years invested, wound up passed over.  I witnessed this over and over again in 2016, first in the Republican party as many more qualified candidates were passed over and again in the final election, when it was a qualified woman that was passed over.  I admit Hillary was not my first choice but she was the more qualified choice in the end.  Everything about the election seemed foul to me.  Including the way we Americans were turning on our own.  <—I hope this doesn’t come off so much as a rant as it does a question to each of us, “Does this scenario represent what we believe in?”

Okay, I’m going to wind this up here, though I do have more notes I’d like to share another day and a lot more reading to do.

I will leave you with this song I quickly penned in June of last year.  


We don’t have to fight do we?
Under our stars and stripes truly?
Are we still one?

One nation under God & do you see
the golden rule applies to you and me?
Indivisible with liberty and justice for all.

I don’t mean to bother you with details
but somewhere along the way
we were derailed.
Has one nation under God been failed?
Are we lost? Are we lost?

Have we lost our way?
Have we been misguided?
Should we find direction
somewhere in the night?
Has our Star Spangled Banner waved goodbye
with the American dream?
They are we, you and me
and US you see,
we should not be divided.


Blurry head


I was sick this 4th of July.  A cold.  Haven’t had one of those since April, 2017.  Not feeling good and in a bit of a funk.  Everything seems to take more effort than what I feel I have to invest.  Yet, I try.  It’s a very blurry, stuffed up to my ears, kinda thing going on, keeping me from thinking through on my decisions, like the precarious placement of a dish that shattered into so many shards.  Took way more time to clean it up than it would have to think through my lazy dish placement decision. Just don’t feel like myself and I’m waiting, wishing, praying, that the buzzy little bee part of me, will quickly return.  In the meantime, I’m trying hard not to infect those around me with my cold or lousy attitude.  That said, I’ll just wish you “peace” and be off, lest I betray myself and you, in the process.  

Stay healthy!!!


What's the purpose?


I keep going back to this quote I heard this past week, “When purpose is bigger than pain, purpose wins and when pain is bigger than purpose, pain wins.”  I am so mad at myself that I do not remember where I heard it or who made this remark!   But with the debates this past week, I found myself trying to decipher the purpose behind each candidates run.  I couldn’t help but notice there are a lot of them.  I found myself questioning those in charge of the debates, the moderators, those in the control booth, calling the shots and yeah the camera operators too.  I couldn’t help but notice the background, while very flattering behind some candidates, behind others it was completely distracting.  Was there a purpose behind that?  The camera angles?  Who is getting the most attention?   Was it by design?  Was someone’s purpose being put into action?  I did get the feeling, the Democratic party runners had enough purpose in alignment with each other, that if their purpose is to serve their country and not their own egos, they can pool their resources and as a result pull voters together on behalf of those changes the candidates seemed to agree on.  ¿Cómo se dice work together?

When I look at the problems that currently exist in our country, I see pain begets pain.  It changes the chemistry of a person, causes trauma, diminishes hope, can interfere with rational thinking, can spread like a virus and it can lead to death.  Once upon a time, I walked towards pain with purpose.  My purpose being, an attempt to understand it, in hopes of helping to alleviate it.  I have experienced those in pain, throwing it my direction.  I liken it to a wounded animal biting a vet that is trying to save it or a pack of hungry dogs on the attack.  I have found my own traumatic experiences, coupled with a history of being bit, a bit too many times, has me feeling much less trustful of people’s intentions, to the point, more often than not these days, I find myself shrinking back in an effort to save what is left of my energy and health.  Regretfully, pain has become bigger than purpose.  You know what I hate?  I hate THAT.  I don’t hate a person, a political party, a desperate immigrant or a foreign country.  I hate pain and more than that, I hate that I have allowed pain to become bigger than purpose!  

Anyway, I’m really mad at myself that I did not write down the name of the speaker of that quote because I owe them heaps of gratitude for showing up with that quote in the nick of time.  Thank you!!!  I will do my best to pass it on!  I hope those Democratic Presidential candidates will make purpose bigger than, not only pain, but bigger than their individual egos.  I hope their purpose is to serve all Americans in such a way that we can be healthy enough and educated enough to go about serving the purpose.  I hope the purpose we are serving is the life and health of our planet and the inhabitants here.  Along with that I hope we are serving the purpose of liberty, equality, justice and love.  

So what is my purpose for blogging?  Simply to share experiences, thoughts and questions, in hopes others may find them helpful.  I think we are so much better than the traumas and the wounds we allow to skew our purpose as a species. 


Just seems relevant


It was the summer of the Spice Girls, 97 or 98 and there was drama on the street I lived on.  Two,  previously good friends, who lived side by side, had found themselves on opposite sides of a divorce case.  One beautiful little boy caught in the middle.  There was a lot of drama surrounding him that summer but most of the time he had his headphones on and was listening to and dancing to the Spice Girls.  “Miss Kristina, listen!”  He had placed his headphones on my ears, I listened to the Spice Girls and smiled at him.  They were the friends he would dance away with, when the world around him seemed crazy and it was starting to get a bit crazy as the school year wound down.  His mother and their next door neighbor, who had been friends prior to either one moving to the neighborhood, had begun to have problems with each other.  There had been a few loud, tense moments between them.   The mother was also beginning to have some loud, tense moments with her ex-husband, who had also been a friend of her neighbor.

The boy was either in second grade or third as school let out and just prior to school letting out he had told his mom, “Daddy drives drunk”.    The drunk driving topic had somehow come up in school in a special “Family Life” class, given by the school Counselor.  He explained to his mother that he had spoken to the Counselor about this and she told him to tell his mother.  She in turn called the Counselor and asked, “Did you report this to anyone.”  “No, we leave that to you,” is what she was told.  She in turn, brought it up to his father, who got irate.  Evidently, one of the friends he partied with, was the woman who lived next door to them and she had taken the ex-husband’s side.  The Mom shared this with me as the tears ran down her cheeks.  “And today, I learned something else from my son.  He has been swimming at his baby-sitters house, while she is inside napping.  There are no adults watching him.  It’s just kids in a pool.”  I couldn’t believe it.  I encouraged her to get a new sitter.  She worked for the Navy.  I knew that.  What I didn’t know was she was getting up at 4:30am, taking her son to the child care provider, using their house key to let herself in, laying her son with his blanket and pillow on the couch, so he could go back to sleep as she quietly slipped off to work.  “How do I find another provider that will allow me to do that?” She had asked me.  

I engaged my mouth before my brain.  I’ll watch him.  As a stay at home mom, I was a kind of “catch all” for kids in my life whose parents had no choice but to work.  I was allowed to be some stability in their lives, when their parents split and had a hard time balancing out the single parent thing.  I immediately wondered if this might be taking on more than I felt comfortable with but reasoned that he got along with both of my kids.  I think she may have seen on my face that I spoke up too soon.   I’m sure she had seen that I watched a couple of other kids and that my home was one where kids where always showing up.  She thanked me for the offer but did not take me up on it.  Instead she found another neighbor, stay at home mom, who had a son that was a little younger than hers and could use the extra income.  It worked out for a few weeks.  Then I was asked if I could watch him.  I said I would.  I got a phone call from the other neighbor who had been watching him, who told me he had kissed her son.  She had some other concerns she ran by me as well.  She was a free range mom, while I was more of a hoover mother.  A Beverly Goldberg type. I was probably over involved.  My own experiences growing up, had a lot to do with me feeling a need to be on guard.  Which is why I considered, “the universe had brought us together for a reason.”  If I saw signs of things, I would kindly let on to his mother.  I was also aware that his behavior might have been completely normal, for him.  I watched and did my best to be there for him.  He did share some things with me that he had witnessed at his father’s house.  I kindly spoke of these things to his mother but not the things the other neighbor had told me, as I had not witnessed anything that would have been in alignment with her remarks.  He did love those Spice Girls and was all about the movie and the dancing.  I figured, they too, may have been brought his way by the universe that summer, for a reason.  

Things heated up all summer long on our block and by the early fall (I believe it was) a bunch of us found ourselves in court.  The mom, the dad, the neighbor (previous friend), the Counselor, some other people and myself.  The mother was filing for full custody.  The ex-friend was brought in as a character witness or something, for the ex-husband.  I was there to tell the judge what I witnessed over the summer, while I watched the boy.  The Counselor who wanted no part of the hearing, was only there because she was subpoenaed.  She had her husband call the mother of the child and tell her she was ruining his wife’s life and going to make her lose her job.  The last thing she wanted was to testify.  

I learned about hearsay, in depth, for the very first time.  All I had to tell the court was what the boy had told me.  What he told me about visits to his father’s house, concerned me.  He was concerned.  He did not want to go to his father’s house anymore.  “His mother has coerced him,” “manipulated him,” was what the man claimed.  Not so.  This child was afraid his father was going to kill him with his recklessness.  At the end of the case, nothing had changed, except that the mother had a lot of debt, she was told by her lawyer had to be paid pronto.  “Do you have a credit card?” The lawyer asked her when she asked if she could be put on a payment plan.  The mother told me, “The worst part is, my son doesn’t feel like he has anyone looking out for his well-being.”  I told her and I told him, he needs to empower himself.  Get him a cell phone.  The next time he feels his father has had too much to drink and will be driving home, he needs to excuse himself to the bathroom, where he can call 911 and tell the police.  He can ask them to drive him to his father’s or If he is afraid of the father (the mother told me she left the father because he “beat the shit out of her”)  He should tell the officers on the scene, why he is afraid of his father and ask to be driven to a safe place.   It’s a shame when a child is not protected by the adults in their life.

As for hearsay, it means if you weren’t physically there, witnessing something, it is inadmissible in court because you can not be relied upon for the truth in a statement you heard from someone else.   That other person needs to be cross examined and if they are not in court, that can’t be done.  So it turns out, I brought nothing to the court room but hearsay.  Totally useless information by their standards.  I was prepared to tell the judge, things the boy had told me.  Things he said happened in his fathers company and fears he had.  It did leave me contemplating the idea of hearsay and I have kept it in mind since, when I have received second hand information from other people.  I try, not to “play telephone” with information someone else has passed on to me unless I can validate it but it’s a very tricky thing, as we are all learning, since the internet came into our lives and it was tricky even before the internet.  Yes, I realize, just about everything in what I have just written, is hearsay.  Most of what we hear in our daily lives is.  So we should be considerate and careful of what we say and breath life into.  I know it is hard to look for the facts.  It’s work, I know.  It requires a bit of patience, which is harder to have when we are anxious or angry but it is a cost well worth paying.


"Girl! Girl! Girl!"--Receptionist in "Dead to Me"


Did you happen to see the NETFLIX TV Show “Dead to Me”? I kept getting this question. I wanted to see it but hadn't gotten to it and my women friends are all like, “YOU HAVE TO SEE IT”!!!  I’m like, “OKAY THEN”!!!  You know what it's like? HBO’s “Barry".  It will have you on the edge of your seat one moment and then laughing the next.  Only it's like the more feminine version and it has gotten women talking about serious things, like “Should I get bangs?  I love Linda Cardellini’s bangs and I’m thinking, maybe I should get some like her’s…”  Wait no, that’s not the serious part.  It’s the other thing about her character.   Can I say it?  GO AWAY IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!  SPOILER ALERT!  Are they gone?  i’ll whisper this next part, just in case they haven’t made it out of the room yet. the miscarriages.  According to the Mayo Clinic 10-20 percent of known pregnancies, end up miscarriages but most women don’t know this and tend to feel alone in their grief and trauma.  More women of color tend to have them (or have more, I'm not exactly sure buy you can try to figure it out here  Miscarriage is actually a frowned upon term as it may denote that something was amiss in the carrier of the baby or the way the pregnancy was handled.  Which is why I ask you to get the word out 10-20% of clinically identified pregnancies are lost before the completion of 20 weeks 

Women need to talk about these things!  In this interview with Christina Applegate she tells of how “Married With Children” was not allowed to have a show where Christina’s and Katey Segal’s characters had synchronized periods.  When watching "Dead to Me" you can see that we have come a long way since those days.  Today, we can watch an intelligent, suspenseful TV show like "Dead to Me," that also aces the Bechdel-Wallace test!  So of course we’re telling our girlfriends, “GIRL, GIRL, GIRL, you must see this”! 

I would also like to direct your attention to 1A’s show on “What Does it Mean to Lose a Pregnancy” and “Your Questions Answered About Abortion”  And no, it is not a debate.  It is purely informative.  If you have wondered about the question of personhood and how that may affect things like child support, tax deductions, if a woman can be put in jail if she is pregnant and her child has not been charged with any crime, if this will affect people going the route of in vitro fertilization, if someone can be charged with murder for going out of state for an abortion or babies who are brain dead but still have a heart beat or ectopic pregnancies, then this is something you should hear.  

It is traumatic enough for a woman to lose her child prior to or at birth.  I hope we never wake up in country that would torture a woman further by accusing her of aborting.   1 in 4 women by age 45 has miscarried.  Take a moment to let that sink in.  1 in 4.  Hug your daughters, your sisters, your mother, your girlfriends and be sure to tell them you love them.  If you pray, pray for them too! 


Maybe we can work together


I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.  I have some lyrics and a tune.  Basically, I have stone soup and unfortunately a finger stuck in the pointing position.  It’s like someone gave my finger Viagra and it won’t stop pointing.  Luckily, it’s not its neighboring finger, AKA, the bird.  Still, I realize I need a little balance here.  A little less pointing and a little more willingness to trust and play well with others.  I would like to try and co-write a better song.  

Okay, so this song, I’m working on…  imagine a song like SLY FOX “Let’s Go All The Way” being chased by the dogs in JANE’S ADDICTION “Been Caught Stealing” only coming from somewhere over the WALL OF VOODO by way of “Mexican Radio”.   I know you’re probably thinking, “She’s got those kids from Port Isabel Detention Center on her mind” and yeah I do but also those tunes and they somehow merge into a new tune and next thing I know, I’m getting flashes of news show "20/20" in my head.  Remember, investigative reporting, how it gave you a better view of the world and your place in it.  You somehow had confidence that if the fox was guarding the hen house, you were gonna find out and justice would follow.  Ah, the beautiful nostalgia of “20/20”, while looking towards 2020.  By the way, “20, 20” is the name of the song.  I imagine a song, like “Feed the World” where artists come together to make something that reminds our fellow Americans of what we can accomplish when we work together.  I’m not looking to support a candidate.  I believe in democracy.  To me, it is more important that everyone is represented at the polls.  I think it would be really cool to be a part of something like that and where any money made, would be invested in helping people get to the polls or into mental health subsidies. 

Here's the lyrics I've settled on so far:

20 ,20

Tell me how we got here?

Why's my vision unclear?

Anger rising everywhere.

Is this 20, 20?


Are we looking for a war?

Do you know what you're in it for?

Your answer shouldn't be ignored.

See you in 20, 20


Looking through 20, 20 tell me what you see?

Oh say, can you see, far enough to make out the American dream?


Everyone's feeling dizzy here.

Hopefully there vision clears.

Finally see no enemy.

There's you and there's me, in 20, 20.


Can you read the writing on the wall?

Try the part where it gets small.

Got your prescription here.

Get clear in 20, 20.   

Here's are links to my original recordings.  1, 2 and 3.  I have since cut what did not support what I determined to be the intent of the song and tried to pretty it up.  




"Imagine"--John Lennon


Have you ever wondered...  What if when you died you were reincarnated?  Maybe you would become a plant, an insect, coral or another human, of another sex, in another country, or maybe an animal, like a cow, chicken, goat etc…   Would you change anything about the way you live your life now, if you somehow learned for sure this would happen?   Yet you would have no idea what you may come back as, only that it was certain, that it would happen to you.  Would it change the way you treat other living creatures, plants, the ocean?  Would it change anything?  Would you be more concerned about human rights across the globe or more actively involved in that area?  Would you choose to make a difference in this life for the possible life that you and your loved ones would come back to live in, in the future?  You know, perhaps you would be born in some war-torn country or some area where gangs have taken over to rule.  Maybe your current life could be what makes a better situation for whatever life you or your current loved ones would be reincarnated into living.  Would you, with a belief in reincarnation, live your life exactly as you do now?  What changes do you think you would make, if any?  Do you think people might be more forward-thinking if this were the belief we held?  Do you think you might be more appreciative of the life you live or would it make the life you live less important?  

I’ve often considered I won the jackpot, just by being born in the US, you know, due to my being a female.  Still, there have been moments where it hasn’t seemed like such a prize but all the same I am very aware of how fortunate I have been.  I wonder what if a man knew for certain he would be reincarnated into a female in one of the countries where women have no voice and/or are treated like property, “How that might change him.”

These are thoughts I consider occasionally and more recently did a few weeks ago when I listened to the “Hidden Brain” podcast on “Where Does Religion Come From?  One Researcher points to ‘Cultural’ Evolution.”

I “Imagine” many beautiful worlds in my head and occasionally, I think I catch sight of them, right here in what so many people refer to as “The real world.”  I find it strangely humorous, how when they use that term, “Real World” there is no pleasure in their voice.  I’m humored and melancholy all at the same time.  You see, I believe we are all responsible for this thing called “Real World” and I believe with a refinement of our own movements we can create a better scenario for all the living and lives to come.


“Life’s like an hourglass glued to the table”-Anna Nalick


“Men who hold high places must be the ones who start”-RUSH





Sooooo…..”Game of Thrones” ending?”  Did it end to your liking?  From what I hear, a lot of us took it personally and got our expectations all involved.  I know, I am mourning the end of it and it seems from things I’ve heard other people say, they are mourning the way it ended as well.  I was emotionally invested in Daenerys.  I liked seeing her rise past her original circumstances to become the “Breaker of Chains”.  I believed in her idea of “breaking the wheel”.  Oh, but I had a bad feeling when Vary questioned his child spy about Daenerys, in this last season’s, episode 5.   “She’s not eating” is that what the child said.  I wondered if they were trying to poison her and figured someone in Dany’s situation might be paranoid of the same thing.  My heart began to sink.  I found myself wondering how John would intervene and yes, I expected more of him than humanly possible.  <3  I expected more from Dany and slowly started to realize that her failure of everyone who bent the knee to her, as well as, those of us who opened our hearts to her character…  Well I realized, this was all by the design of the author.  We had fallen for her, put her on the pedal stool and allowed her to believe in her entitlement.  She in turn, believed the people she came to serve… well, what were her words, “They don’t get to choose.”  A good reminder to us all to be careful what we breathe life into.  A reminder too, of how our best intentions can be made murky or pernicious, when we allow emotions or a sense of entitlement to undermine them.  Sneaky author, using Dany to elicit emotions from us, only for the purpose of showing us how easy it is to “bend the knee” to someone, blind of their flaws or aware but refusing to believe what we know, we know. 

I’m no stranger to this.  A romantic, I see people as they could be, if they could only see themselves, whole.  Well, “whole” according to me.  ;-)  I’m also a realist. Yeah, I realize that may or may not make sense after what I just said but I do have a strong mental grasp on how real wins out over everything, every time.  Seems to me, it is wise to honor it.  For this, I respected the ending of the series and took it more as an example or warning.  It was not the ending this romantic would have preferred but a good reminder to be careful whom I serve.  I can identify with the author and screen writers as they may hear the disgruntled voices of series fans.  For me, the hardest part of being an artist/a writer, is to serve the audience something they didn’t know they wanted, something they need but maybe don’t realize.  It’s hard to serve anyone something that may be challenging to them.  It takes courage, like the courage of the characters that tried to appeal to Dany as they all but begged her to consider her decisions more before following through with them.   For me, Anna Nalick said it best, “And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd.”

This is a song I have written and re-written over and over again (for about 20years) as I realized I had once again failed myself by investing my trust in someone (different someones) that I later felt failed by.  That's life and experience I suppose...


You took me, for exactly the fool I have been

But I played a part, I'm willing to admit

See, I trusted you

I believed everything that you said

Now I know they're lies

and this won't happen again

Cause what I know

I know that I was true

And what I know

Is the hell you put me through

And now I realize

that I never really knew

But now I know, I know, I don't know you

I don't need, the excuses you're about to make

because like yourself, I'm sure they are all fake

You can save your words, so seriously save your breath

Don't need to know why, I've already guessed

Cause what I know

I know that I was true

And what I know

Is the hell you put me through

And now I realize

that I never really knew

But now I know, I know, I don't know you

[I know enough to walk away 

I hope I learn from my mistakes

Sometimes, really all it takes, is to know yourself 

I let my boundaries down for you

It's to myself I should be true

Mistakes are really all it takes and experience... to know]

what I know

I know that I was true

And what I know

Is the hell you put me through

And now I realize

that I never really knew

But now I know, I know, I don't know you


It comes through and not of


I have been writing since I could.  My Mother used to tease me, saying I should have been a doctor, something about illegible handwriting.  It’s hard to make it legible when what you have to write is going so quickly through your head, you can’t keep up with it.  

I wake up in the middle of the night with epiphanies and this nagging thought in my head, "If I don’t write at that very moment, what is in my head, it will be lost."  I’ve challenged those thoughts and chosen to write them in the morning, on more than one occasion.  I have found that while I might remember (might) it is never as clear.  

After I sent my screenplay “The List” off and heard nothing back, my mother said to me, “Maybe, you wrote it for you and that’s enough.”  An interesting thing to consider for sure.  Still, I had no reason to write what I had already thought and seen in my head if it was only for me, I concluded.  I remember at one point in my life being extremely concerned something was haunting me.  Just as I was falling asleep I would hear voices telling me things, names and things.  I wondered if I should tell the people what I heard but figured they would think me crazy.  So unless I knew the person well enough and knew it wouldn’t freak them out, I kept it to myself.  Years later, after a terrible bout with my insomnia that landed me in the hospital, I learned this thing I was experiencing is called hypnogogia.  

Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night recently and scribbled this out: A good apology goes something like this.  “I’m sorry.  we deserve the best from each other but I was not at my best in that moment.  I deserve better from (myself/the circumstances we were in) and you deserve the best of me.  I realize, I hurt you and for that I am sorry.  I put my burdens/fears/whatever it was on you and it is not fair that you should carry that burden.  I hope you can see past this and find a way in your heart to forgive me.”  I try to make the past wounds up to myself, because I know I deserve better and others deserve the best of me.  I want to show up ready to give others the best of me, not hand my burdens off to them.  I think honest communication of this brings about awareness of my burdens, in the eyes of others and offers an opportunity to relieve the burdens in a healthier fashion, while opening the door to them to express how they are burdened, so we can cleverly come up with a solution to remove their burdens as well.  I have always known this and perhaps you have too, though it has taken me years to come up with a way to express it, while I suffered silently in shame in my pattern of reacting and then hurting again over my choice to react and the distance it took me from those I love.  I shamefully swallowed it down as I felt it consume me.  That is no way to live a life.  It’s damaging to life, mine and the ones I reacted too. <—That’s it, all I wrote.  Maybe I just wrote it for me or maybe it was for you.  Maybe for all of us…  I wasn’t sure if or how best to share this but decided it best, I be brave and face what might be my crazy, just in case, it might be the grace you waited for, from me, yourself, the divine or someone else.  It’s yours.  Take it or leave it.  It came through me, not of me.  And that’s what I settled on as far as my screen play too.  Maybe there is a collective consciousness, where all things come from and all things go and maybe it belongs to all of us and we are all responsible for what we put into it and maybe we all deserve a piece of what comes from it.