Kristina Furey

It comes through and not of

 

I have been writing since I could.  My Mother used to tease me, saying I should have been a doctor, something about illegible handwriting.  It’s hard to make it legible when what you have to write is going so quickly through your head, you can’t keep up with it.  

I wake up in the middle of the night with epiphanies and this nagging thought in my head, "If I don’t write at that very moment, what is in my head, it will be lost."  I’ve challenged those thoughts and chosen to write them in the morning, on more than one occasion.  I have found that while I might remember (might) it is never as clear.  

After I sent my screenplay “The List” off and heard nothing back, my mother said to me, “Maybe, you wrote it for you and that’s enough.”  An interesting thing to consider for sure.  Still, I had no reason to write what I had already thought and seen in my head if it was only for me, I concluded.  I remember at one point in my life being extremely concerned something was haunting me.  Just as I was falling asleep I would hear voices telling me things, names and things.  I wondered if I should tell the people what I heard but figured they would think me crazy.  So unless I knew the person well enough and knew it wouldn’t freak them out, I kept it to myself.  Years later, after a terrible bout with my insomnia that landed me in the hospital, I learned this thing I was experiencing is called hypnogogia.  

Anyway, I woke up in the middle of the night recently and scribbled this out: A good apology goes something like this.  “I’m sorry.  we deserve the best from each other but I was not at my best in that moment.  I deserve better from (myself/the circumstances we were in) and you deserve the best of me.  I realize, I hurt you and for that I am sorry.  I put my burdens/fears/whatever it was on you and it is not fair that you should carry that burden.  I hope you can see past this and find a way in your heart to forgive me.”  I try to make the past wounds up to myself, because I know I deserve better and others deserve the best of me.  I want to show up ready to give others the best of me, not hand my burdens off to them.  I think honest communication of this brings about awareness of my burdens, in the eyes of others and offers an opportunity to relieve the burdens in a healthier fashion, while opening the door to them to express how they are burdened, so we can cleverly come up with a solution to remove their burdens as well.  I have always known this and perhaps you have too, though it has taken me years to come up with a way to express it, while I suffered silently in shame in my pattern of reacting and then hurting again over my choice to react and the distance it took me from those I love.  I shamefully swallowed it down as I felt it consume me.  That is no way to live a life.  It’s damaging to life, mine and the ones I reacted too. <—That’s it, all I wrote.  Maybe I just wrote it for me or maybe it was for you.  Maybe for all of us…  I wasn’t sure if or how best to share this but decided it best, I be brave and face what might be my crazy, just in case, it might be the grace you waited for, from me, yourself, the divine or someone else.  It’s yours.  Take it or leave it.  It came through me, not of me.  And that’s what I settled on as far as my screen play too.  Maybe there is a collective consciousness, where all things come from and all things go and maybe it belongs to all of us and we are all responsible for what we put into it and maybe we all deserve a piece of what comes from it.

 

"Let hatred die of hunger"-iLe

 

"Let hatred die of hunger because nobody feeds it.  We are going together to break walls, barriers and wires.  Let hatred die of hunger because nobody feeds it.  We are going together to break walls, barriers and wires. Even if your guts ring, even after you repent, hate is not fed or given anything to drink."--"Odio" by iLe

I was witness this past week to one person telling another, some very concerning propaganda.  I immediately looked up the information they were spreading and informed the receiver that if it were true information, I would see it on my smart phone along side a reputable source but the receiver explained, "They have connections".   I was lost, not knowing how I should reply.  Time would reveal to them that what they were told was not true.  I didn't come to argue and didn't want to breath life into an argument with my words.  I bit my tongue.  Then they started down that slippery slope, with the question "Are you a Democrat or a Republican?"  I said, "Oh trust me you don't want to start this conversation.  You're not going to like my answer as I believe we should be taking care of all our people, our education and our health.  This comes from my experience of growing up with foster siblings and my own realization, people don't get to choose circumstances they are born into.  Life is life and it can be unfair but it is my belief people should be more fair to one another.  I am probably more of a socialist than anything."  Not that I believe my ideas should be pushed on my fellow Americans.  I believe in our need for a government that is by and for the people.  Majority rules.  Better we all feel represented by our government.  I believe that is more important than my socialist nature.  We will never get anywhere fighting with one another all along the way.   They met my answer with the same thing most people say to me, "Oh no, that's not what you are."  They explained their fears and concerns and "knew" I agreed because we were friends, loving and giving with each other.  I asked that we don't let our political differences interfere with what we know to be true about the other.  After they decompressed by airing their concerns and I met them with support for their concerns, while doing my best to stand on my beliefs, we both decided to agree to disagree.    

A few days later I heard Joshua Johnson interviewing iLe (Ileana Mercedes Cabra Joglar) and thought this is DEFINITELY worth sharing!  She is a singer with a gorgeous voice, who also has a lot to say that is worth serious consideration!!   Have you wondered what Puerto Rico is like since hurricane Maria?  It's interesting to see it through iLe's eyes.  The interview:  https://the1a.org/audio/#/shows/2019-05-09/puerto-rican-singer-songwriter-ile-on-the-sounds-of-protest/117649/@00:00

 

 

C'est La Vie

 

This week I am just receiving instead of transmitting.  My microphone appears to be on endless mute.  Perhaps it is broken...  Hope it can be fixed.  Now I have to use a hardwired mic.  (insert sad face emoticon here).  Don't know if this means I need a new microphone or just a new capsule.  (insert HUGE ? here).  C'est la vie....  Robbie Nevil  (insert dance moves here followed by happy face emoticon, followed by upside down happy face, followed by heart, followed by blushy smiley face, followed by girl on the floor wrapped in mic cord, who is just thankful to have hardwired mic hug at a time like this.)  

PS-can someone free me from this cord thingy ;-)  or I can just sing from here like Perry Como.  Yeah, that's an idea too...     

 

"The Unreliable Narrator"--Abby

 

Life, a sweet voice that whispers as if out of nowhere attempting to let its presence be known.  Silly mortals that we are believe we are the focus of life, till, if we are fortunate enough, we realize, Life, was the main character of “OUR STORY” all along.  Its attempts at awakening us to this can be a very abrupt awakening or a gentle pull at our heart strings but once you are awakened, you would be wise to not discount the very pure truths of life.  The truths of life can not be bent to one’s will but one can be bent to the will of life.  Life is the one character here, whose truth will prevail above all other characters.

I am a big believer of the idea that our lives are greatly impacted by the choices we make.  That this+that+that other thing=where we are, at just about any given point in time.  This adds up for me most of the time but there’s been enough times too, that it hasn’t and that’s when I realized other people’s choices play a part and so does “Life Itself”.   

I have found life can be very difficult towards people, in the role that it plays.  Does it have a conscience?  I’m undecided.  I do.  I try my best not to create difficult situations for others.  I try to keep in mind many people are juggling difficulties, whether due to their own choices, those of others, “Life Itself” or a combination of all.  I try to offer a smile, a solution, at the very least some compassion and love.  Where life is unreliable I try to offer balance.  

Life creates its own problems and its own solutions to those problems.  Which makes me wonder if perhaps it is a thinking being that is trying to figure something out.  Perhaps a Scientist at work…  I can’t tell you how many times I have looked at where I was in my life and realized life+challenges brought on by others+challenges brought on by life=me facing a problem+finding myself to be the solution+needing to learn and evolve into something I wasn’t before=a stronger advocate for life.  I find Life mind boggling, when I’m not feeling let down by it, at odds with it, drawn into its bidding or just fascinated in wonder.

 

Game of Thrones :-)

 

It’s back but with only 5 episodes to go and the humans still focused on who gets to sit on the Iron Throne, I have concerns that the White Walkers will be the last ones standing and the humans will be wiped out.  At this point, it seems logical, that would be the case.  As Jon Snow said, “There is only one war, the great war and it is here.”  BUT what do you do when people would rather stab you than listen to truth and logic?  Would you “bend the knee” to save people?  To save mankind?  Or would you stand proudly, come what may and fight for your honor?  Would you be too focused on your enemies and too attached to that label, “enemy,” that you would continue to look for ways to take them down?  Were you wondering this too?  Is “Game of Thrones” holding you in as tight a grip as it has me?  If so, I think you will really enjoy the discussion they had on 1A this past week:  https://the1a.org/audio/#/shows/2019-04-15/watch-the-thrones/117422/@00:00  I certainly did!!!  They discuss so many characters past and present, like Hodor and Margaery.  Did I cry?  ...yeah, a little bit. <3  I expect there will be more loss before it is over.  Having watched many past scenes through my fingers and at times, with my quilt over my head, I know how brutal this game can get and I concern that humanity may not win out. 


 

"Riding along in my automobile"-Chuck Berry

 

"You sing in the car!  I'm sure you do!  Whether you admit it or not." I say to you, while giving you the Larry David stare down, should you not admit what I believe to be true.     When I first got my driver's license, I would change the lyrics to Chuck Berry's "No Particular Place To Go,"  to ones that suited my particular destination, mood, or driving partner/co-lyric contributor.  It was fun to take turns and then see if I could riff along with whatever they had put out as their line.  It was always a rule they had to join me in mouth guitar as well.  The more ridiculous it felt the more we seemed to enjoy ourselves.  Side thought:  You ever notice how very similar that song is to "School Days"?  Maybe that's why I chose that particular song to sing out with versatile verses, suiting my drive, mood or shot gun, lyric contributor.

When it was just me, alone in my car, I often created my own tunes or created twisted tunes, a la Wierd Al Yankovic style.   Fun times!  As well as many original tunes/songs, lost along the way.  The lack of ability to record what I came up with normally the reason for a song DOA.  Until the trusty cell phone!  I did have a miniature recorder I used for some time and I would keep it on me, just in case, except those times I didn't or the tape got full and I couldn't find anymore tapes that fit it, or when the batteries died or when it stopped working completely..  There were times I would show up at my destination and make a run for the phone, payphone or private, call my home number and leave the song in message to myself, so I would have it when I got home. 

With my kids I created songs about the "Little old man in the little old van, driving as slow as a little tin can".  "Big Butt Bicyclist" an ode, to the bicycle rider that seemed intent on not letting me pass them on that swervy, curvy, one lane road...  My co-conspirators/lyricists, at that point, were my children and occasionally Dan.  We did twisted tunes too, like "Nasty Town" to the tune of the Spiderman cartoon.  "Nasty town, nasty town, nobody wants to hang around.  Eat the food, gives you gas.  Everybody drives by real fast.  Look out!  You're in the nasty town."  This, after one too many stops for food left us disgusted and out of options on where we may want to try eating next.  Hmm, me thinks another town.  But oh the camaraderie as we sang our way to the next town, in hopes of better fare.

This past week as I was driving up and down the coast, I found myself playing around with new ways to sing old songs I've written, and I started playing around with an older song I never quite settled.  I was AH mazing!  I was coming up with all sorts of great stuff and then I decided do a video blog, showcasing how impressively witty and inventive I am at this!  Yay ME!  So I pulled off onto an exit, which had me pulling off onto another exit.  Which had me confused about how I would get back onto the road I was originally on and then very thankful that I could depend upon the GPS on my phone.  Yeah, I did not think this through at all but finally I came to a stop at a very sketchy gas station, in the middle of nowhere and I readied my video and hit record!  ...This is one of those moments when the imagination was much better in it's interpretation of how it would play out than the reality.  It somehow looked better in my head.  I was killing it with the lyrics, prior to hitting that record button or I might have a distorted view of reality.  That is a possibility, I shall not rule out.   I thought about deleting it but there seemed to be something redeeming in it, that led me to this blog.  

 

 

"#17A" (Part II) "She's Come Undone-Randy Bachman

 

I think I bit off more than I could chew this week and to make things equally frustrating, I was sick this week.  Feeling better currently.  So, finally today, I got an opportunity to work on this song I’ve been thinking about since last weeks blog, when I mentioned Pollock’s “Number 17A” and how life, like art, is constantly inspired from and being built on what has already entered our world through our consciousness.  This particular song arrived in my head with a visual of violent paint splatters on a pristine, white canvas, adolescent rebellion, in fits of anger brought on by just a taste of that fruit of knowledge and the realization, that not only were their parents not God, all knowing and full of grace but also, how power was wielded in such a way that a child would be left, fooled and bearing the burden.   I had concerns for what I felt my brother had experienced and felt I was staring at this real life example of a sacrificial lamb.  I felt powerless and disgusted and I agonized over how we stop something in motion that allows us to feed our loved ones to it.  It occurred to me that we only vomit up what we eat.  We only play out what has been placed in our consciousness.  I did not know at the time, the concept of transcending.  The idea we could choose to release our pain over to the universe (just let it go) rather than pay it forward to the next unsuspecting soul.  I didn’t really even understand that our thoughts are just thoughts.  Thoughts are just proof that at some point in time, they were introduced to us but they have no power over us, unless we choose to give them our power.  I felt strongly something was very wrong.  I was mentally troubled and saw my brother as very vulnerable and in a precarious place.   Which put me in line right behind him.  I saw dominoes falling, set in place before he or I ever arrived.  I was furious.  It was extreme drama and angst that went into this song.  Perhaps overkill, akin to when someone yells because they don’t think they are being heard not because they haven’t been.  

This is a poor (rough) example of what the song could be for sure.  I hope in time to get it right.  Currently, the goal is just to get my songs sketched out as best I can.  I expect when I become more certain which songs to record and which songs belong in the musical, I am working towards, I will know if I should hire someone to show me a better way to play my songs or get help composing.  I have had a very temporary feeling since losing my family members.  So it seems important to me to get my songs to a place where someone else could pick up where I have left off, just in case.     

Let me add, I am okay, despite my dramatic song and blog to match and my being sick this past week.  I am feeling better.  That said, I will most likely not have the opportunity to post next week.  It's a full week for me and a lot of time to be spent on the road.  So, till next time. take care, of yourself and each other!  <3

 

Painting #17A-Jackson Pollack

 

I have considered for quite sometime throwing some things into my blog and attaching the question, “What would you do?”  I think today is the day, we will see if this makes it to posting.

— A “fan?”—I was at a festival.  He greeted me coming off the stage.  A stranger bearing compliments.  Dan had to put his guitar away and I had to put my microphone away.  We were parked close to the stage we had played on.  The guy was saying something about wanting our CD but he didn’t have the money.  I told him to take it as a gift.  He then said he wanted to pay me and send me one of his CDs in return.  I said, “let’s just do an even exchange then.”  His reply, “What address can I send it to?”  I had a pen and paper in the car and we were headed there anyway…  Dan and I each had things to do and not much time to chat.  I wanted to call my mother and see how she was doing.  She was going through cancer treatments and they were burning her from the inside.  I just wanted to make a quick call, check in and tell her I had performed.  She had very much insisted she wanted me to go through with commitments I had and I was trying to be strong.  Earlier that week, I had posted some videos and in one discussed helping a friend leave a spousal abuser.  Anyway, I was at the car with the paper and pen writing.  My husband had headed off to take care of what he needed to do, when out of nowhere, the guy says something about spousal abuse and puts his hand in the shape of a gun, points it at my face and makes a gun sound.  I quickly shut the door to my car having just hit the lock on it and took off to meet up the people where I was helping out.  I asked a couple people if they knew him.  No one seemed to.  He was alone, so far as I could tell…   One person asked me “Why?”  I said, “He said something creepy and I don’t know if it was his idea of joking or what.”  I tried not to let my upset feelings get the best of me and I knew by the way I was feeling, I wasn’t going to be able to call my mother, she could always tell when things weren't right by the pitch of my voice or something.  So instead, I didn’t and I lied later about how I needed to relieve someone.  I mean it wasn’t entirely a lie but…
 …He did send me a CD.  Actually, I think two and $20.00 for my CD.  I didn’t want either.  I threw the CD/s in the trash, unopened and felt gross about the $20 but figured I would donate it.  

—So this friend came to visit me.  Best description I could give is very emotionally driven.  A friend, who came into my life through the door of being another friend’s, friend.  I accepted the vetting process there.  My heart went out to her.  She had the kind of life that would most likely make a person more reactive.  I could see my younger self in her and  I hoped to provide a little peace in her life.  In a pay it forward kind of way.  I’m so thankful to those who gave me the gift of patience, acceptance, forgiveness and direction, in those moments I was lost or losing my way!   Those who were kind enough to tell me to come in from the rain, wait out the storm with me, and assure me I would be okay.  This particular visit (the last) She came in, heading for the fridge, saying, “I need a beer!”  She seemed to be hostile in her conversation.  She seemed angry at me but never once said that was the case.  Yet, I had seen her angrily point her finger at me, with voice raised as she told her stories of past confrontations she wished she would have taken on or at times did.  But she would point her finger as if I was the offender and on one occasion, when we were in public,  I saw some people looking from her to me as if trying to figure out if I was being verbally assaulted or if I had wronged her.  Well, that’s was my perception…    Perhaps that was all in my head.  I will never know…   This time, like the other times, I tried my best to let her run out of steam but she didn’t.  She proceeded to drink all my husband’s beer, a six pack, the whole six pack he had just bought.  She seemed manic.  She stayed way longer than I had expected but I couldn’t in good conscience let her drive.  At some point it occurred to me that perhaps she didn’t want to be okay.  Maybe my friendship had no affect on her ability to find peace BUT it was certainly draining me of mine.  While she marinated in her anger.  I did my best to listen and not provoke.  I did my best to see things from her perspective and not judge.  I did not trust the path she was going down but I understood her desperation.  Haven’t we all had such moments, trying to make sense of what doesn’t seem fair in life?    I so wanted for her to be okay!   For her, but also for me.  I really wanted her to be okay, maybe in part because I realized, I was not okay in her company and I was placing faith in the ability of grace to give rise to grace but it was more of a dominoes effect I was experiencing and I would carry forward with me like a hitch hiker stuck on my clothes.  I made dinner for her in hopes of helping in the absorption of her consumed alcohol and when she left later in the night, I followed her home in my car.  She got home safely and without incident.  I believed she was sober enough but her emotional state concerned me.  The way I know mine has at times concerned others.  

—I was at an event.  My husband and I had gotten up to play music.  I was done with my equipment and heading back to my seat when someone “important” was sitting in my husband’s seat.  Must have been a look on my face that caused them to ask, “Oh, am I in your husband’s seat?”  I nodded, still unsure what to make of it.  I had never met them in person.  Heard about them enough to understand the “important” part.  Watched a video of them talking about people taking loans against their homes, at a shot of making it in the music business and indicating what it took financially to make it.  I’ve lost count of how many times I have heard someone say to me, “You must not want it bad enough” in regards to whatever they were selling and you know, it’s true!  Not at the expense of my peace of mind.  Not that they said that, just something that ran through my head at the idea of mortgaging one's home to "Make it" at anything, especially in something as fickle or manipulated (not sure which belief I hold.  Depends on the day I suppose.) as the music business.  My peace of mind was still trying to exorcise that hitchhiker of paranoia, I had picked up JUST the week before.  (See previous paragraph) I was just about to say something (I don't know what) in an attempt to find out the facts, rather than leave things to my creative mind, when my father’s remarks about music came to the surface in my mind.  My father’s remarks were like Kathy Bates in “The Waterboy”,  only instead of everything being “The Devil”, everything was “A scam”,  “If someone is really interested in your talent, they will find you to be worth the investment because they will profit off the investment.”  “If that’s not the case, your money is what they seek to profit of off.”  I suppose, I will never know what would have been said or if the person just needed to get off their feet for a few and saw me as just another obstacle to their own comfort. I for one have been at some events in high heels and wished I could find an empty chair to sit in.  Yes, I have “stolen” a seat just as soon as its occupant was out of sight.  

I don’t like to jump to conclusions.  I really don’t like it when people do that about me but we are humans and we crave certainty, even if we have to make it up to get it.  I don’t like to tell myself scary stories or untrue stories about people.  I want to think the best of everyone because I know that is the only belief that offers me hope.  Yet, there are days I look around and count my loses, instead of my blessings.  There are days I look around or at someone and shake my head.  There are days I lose my faith in those around me or the world and in turn myself and days when I’m paranoid of the intentions of others.  But I do try to remember there is a delicate balance to this world we live in and I was created by it, for it. I strive to serve it in my actions, for myself and for others because I understand that we are creating the circumstances in our world with our actions.    We are all the artists that constantly create on the canvas of life, whether it is ”A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte”  "The Starry Night” or “Painting #17A”.  We work off of each other’s works of art, their lives and their actions.  This blog is proof of that as it is in reaction to this podcast:  https://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/656558932/bonus-who-do-you-let-in

 

"17"

 

Two, almost three weeks ago, I jammed my finger, just after starting to figure out one of my songs on the synth.  I ended up losing all my gains on it, which I guess was no biggie, since I found I wanted to change the key.  A little over a week ago I got back at it.  Then we had company, which was awesome!  Still, I found myself once again, back at the beginning, with said song, "17".  The goal was to get it figured out.  I am trying to organize my songs.  This is where you wish me luck!  Please :-)  The other goal, which I have thus far been falling short of, was to spend 20 hours a week on music related things.  Yet another goal, was to have "17" figured out this week.  I was not there, as of this morning and I have spent the day trying to get there.  I was hoping to have a video of me nailing it.  That was my hope.  I settled for having it figured out and videoed, regardless.  That goal was accomplished.  Here it is.

 

"Reviewing the Situation"-Fagin in the Musical OLIVER

 

Always loved that song "Reviewing the Situation" Ron Moody's excellent performance of it, won me over the first time I ever saw and heard it performed.  Brilliant! BRAVO!!!  After reading this over I thought that it would also make for a good title :-)  Good news is, I didn't feel the need to name this, "I think I better think it out again" ;-)

I have a lot on my plate this week but did want to pop in and wish you well in all you do!

My finger is almost completely healed and I have been trying like heck to figure out one of my songs on the keys. 

Stripping down to just meat, veggies and fruit in my diet, has helped me feel more energetic and less a victim of my allergies and inflammation.  This past week, I have begun to reincorporate things into my diet.  Eat, wait, wait, wait, (48 hours) journal on my experiences and try again.  Then it's on to the next item of food.  I wonder if everyone shouldn't do this at least once to clean up the gut and it's effects on the body and mind, see if it makes a difference and maybe learn to be disciplined to eating in a way that supports you and brings the best of you out.  The effects are pleasantly surprising!  That doesn't mean I don't want to totally scarf on some pizza, drink some spicy red wine or indulge in the warm pleasures of a decadent cup of coffee, mmmmmmmmiiiissssss it so...  In time, they will each get their trial period and I will see if they like me as much as I do them or if they wreck me.  At the very least I have learned I can live without them.  BUT PLEASE don't let them be the problems!  Regardless, I have been feeling much more optimistic about my health and the extent to which I do actually have control over it (for now-fingers crossed that this lasts a very long time).  My brain is clearer and my vocals too (BIG PLUS).  If you are interested you can find the elimination diet online.

I continue to do my daily homework in the book by Rhonda Britten, "Change Your Life in 30 Days" and I'm so glad I got started with the elimination diet before starting in on this "Change Your Life" thing.  This book, I also recommend to anyone needing to face fear, in need of change, lost, bored or apathetic.  This is my third time reading.  "Third times the charm!"  Seriously though, it's so easy to learn something and work it into your life, actions and practices, only to find later down the road, you have experienced enough change that it is time to re-work things.  I want to share these words from the book with you because I think this is something we should each know, remember and repeat, often.  "The voice of fear is run by doubt, suspicion, desperation"  "A feeling of scarcity"  "Shame, guilt, blame".

Well, I have stayed longer than I meant to and my "To Do List" calls.  So this is good bye for now.  Next week, I hope to have that song figured out, so I can get on to the many, many more that await my attention.  Also, I want to share it with you<3  Take care and best wishes for a wonderful rest of the week!