Kristina Furey

Hello 2019!

 

Raise your hand if you, like me, found yourself going to bed early, December 31st.  It occurred to me at some point, I’m pretty okay leaving 2018 behind and showing up as early as possible, in an attempt to make nice with 2019.  I’m not sure 2019 has even noticed this effort, yet here I am, wearing out the phrase, “Happy New Year!”  <—Yes, that is being thrown your way currently.  

Psst… I can’t yet decide if I am happy.  Don’t tell anyone.  I gave up coffee (well caffeine and yes we could argue the whole “Well what about decaf coffee?” and then go “Oh yeah it still has some caffeine…”  Do that thing where we roll our eyes from left to right, taking the northern route to get there, before crying out “WHY DOES THE DECAF COFFEE LIE!?!”  Seriously, why does it lie?  Why doesn’t it just honor it’s word “decaf” and have absolutely no caf to lie about?   By the way, no one answers that question when you yell it, even if you look up to the heavens while yelling.  No God like voice answers.  People do however, look in my direction and then away before sliding two steps in the away direction.  I also gave up wine.  Not to be confused with whining.  I have been getting extra participation points in that area.  I gave up Sugar.  No biggie.  Well, that’s what I thought...   I had done it before but somehow this time is harder.  I gave up dairy.  That was all fine and dandy until I made chili and had no cheese or sour cream to top it.  How can you make a chili sundae if you can’t plop a healthy dose of whip cream looking, sour cream on top, with shredded cheese sprinkles and put a cherry (tomato) on top?  Hmm?  How?  I rest my case!  No that’s not all I gave up and no soy.  Without soy can Thai food survive?  And sushi, what will it be like when my salmon sushi has no soy, only wasabi?  Oh, and I gave up gluten.  Gluten, that can’t be anything important it sounds yucky, right?  Well, actually that means a whole lotta stuff can’t be eaten.   

I am hoping to be able to eat these foods again some day.  Fingers crossed, that day will be in 3 months and my Hashimoto’s will magically go into remission.  In the beginning of last year I had to start taking thyroid medication (something I have been fortunate to have avoided having to do for many years.  I believe I owe this good fortune to educating myself and following through with lifestyle choices). When I started the medication last January, It worked for a while and then it didn’t and then it was upped and then it was lowered and then in August I started loosing my hair again (thankfully I had, HAD, a whole lot of baby fine hair. I have been losing hair on an off since then).  I have been experiencing other symptoms too, among them a hoarse voice, that comes and goes for no reason, I have been able to figure out.  I have been told many times that my allergy symptoms can’t be treated.  I have been told I will have to have my esophagus stretched, each time it starts closing up on me.   I have been advised since the late 90’s that I should try the elimination diet to see if food is a trigger.  Sometimes we just don’t want to believe that we have to dig down deeper and keep working for or giving up things for what we honestly need.  Sometimes we just want things to be easier and they are not.  Sometimes it feels like life isn’t fair but it’s certainly not a reason for us to lie to ourselves and cheat ourselves out of a future or better health or… well I’ll let you fill that last blank in and hopefully we will all create a Happy New Year!

Song currently making me smile:  "Beautiful World" by Colin Hay :-) 

 

Wishing you peace

 

My New Years resolution for 2002 was to create a peace in myself that I could fall back on and give to others.  I did a lot of reading and learning on ways I could do that.  This was not the first time I had such a resolution and worked towards finding a way to be the change I wanted to see in our world. 

I worked on the song for years before it became this.  My wish in the form of a song.

I found this interview to be a big help to me in understanding things from other's perspectives.  I find it is is very important if you want to promote peace, to have an understanding of everyone involved.  It is no guarantee peace will be achieved outside of ourselves but I find it has always given me some peace inside.

God bless!

 

TV show plot

 

Busy, busy time as some of the holidays approach and others are in full swing. I saw Sissy Spacek and her husband Jack Fisk at the airport this past week. I smiled in their direction as I thought about "Bloodline" and how awesome it was to discover that show just after moving here to Florida. I had toyed with the idea of a B&B on the water. I had visited The Key Lime Sailing Club prior to moving here and thought what a blast it would be to have some land on the water and the ability to host weddings, parties and musician type things. Ah fantasy verses reality... "If horses were wishes..." ANYWAY... We made our first flight with our puppy, Aja. She did really well! Got to my Best Friend's Christmas party and also spent a little time with my kids. I came away with the spirit of the season, which I was struggling to find prior to. Now while I was up north, I had to go into an extremely crowded Post Office and to my happy surprise, I met an up and coming Director and an Actor from "Deceit at First Sight" (You can stream it on Amazon) at the post office of all places. I look forward to finding some time to check it out. I just recently watched "Drive, Play, Sleep" that shows what it's like to be on the road with artist duo, Pocket Vinyl. Viva the Indies and may they find the destinations they seek, whether it be in the hearts of people like you and me and equally supported or to be signed. Sooooo, the lesson of the season for me is It's so easy to be distracted this time of year but the beauty of the season really is being open to it and all its commotion, even things that might at first appear to be agonizing as getting through the crowds and waiting in long lines and traffic. You never know who you may see or meet... Try to stay in the moment and go with it.

 

I did get some time to write the plot of the TV show I wrote about in my last real blog. So, here is some more on that....

Imagine if you took Sue Heck from "The Middle" and threw her into "Freaks and Geeks", added a sprinkling of Glee and some old fashioned DC politics... That's what I have been imagining since I started to write the plot for my TV show idea entitled "Logical" or "Growing up Female" not sure which title best fits but people are telling me times would dictate "Growing Up Female". Feel free to weigh in if you like...

 

It's loosely based on my childhood and what it was like to be an over thinker, girl, coming of age during the 80's with a non-available mother, in a household of males. Here's my ...

 

Overview:

 

Life is full of contradictions.   (Growing up female or Logical-whatever the title may be) challenges the viewer by pointing out these contradictions and helping the viewer realize, the choices we make aren't always in support of what we believe and the flaws we see in others are more often than not, a result of our conflicted society.  

 

It's a Narrated, coming-of-age show that begins in the summer of 79, just as our 11 year old female protagonist's mother, decides she is leaving her family to "find herself". Set just outside of Washington DC, in Montgomery County, Maryland.  One of the wealthiest counties in the country during this time. Its diversity in culture, races and religions, makes a perfect setting for our overthinking, ever curious protagonist.

 

Each week sets the tone with a song of the time period and each week our protagonist writes in her journal. As the show progresses, she begins to bud as a songwriter, journaling through song, her own experiences, observations and writing songs for other people she cares about, in an attempt to deal with the inconsistencies between life and logic.

 

Its goal is to provide families, a TV show, diverse and interesting enough to keep them all viewing week after week by exploiting some of their own contradictions and provoking discussions within families, to encourage viewers to come away with an understanding that the problems we face in our families and society are perhaps more complex then we may have realized and with a little more attention paid to these complexities, we can gain a clearer understanding of why it's better to be curious then to settle for simple assumptions when it comes to people. Bottom line (Logical/Growing up Female) is an attempt to get people to pause on the selfies and instead get more curious about the people in their own lives by helping to bring conversations and connection back to its viewers. Hoping that relativity will win out, affect viewers, and in turn have them affecting non-viewers in a second hand way, that will encourage non-viewers to tune into their own curiosity and hopefully also, the show. The aim is to hit viewers the way "The Simpsons" do, at their own level of comprehension, while pitching higher brow subject matter discretely to those inclined to pick it up and perhaps have a show that not only pulls its viewers in each week but one that can grow with its viewers, for years to come.

Taglines:

(Logical, when it comes to people, is anyting logical?)

(Raised to play a supporting role in a man's world, this is what it's like, Growing Up Female).

 

Next, I will write up character descriptions.

A BIG THANK YOU to William Rabkin for his informative book, "Writing The Pilot Creating The Series".  I love that you wrote this and that you made it so simple for people like me to share our inner worlds and stories with others. 

 

I would love to have Roger Hodgson's song "Logical" as the theme song.

 

Link to my screenplay, "The List"

 

 

Away from my desk and

 

Currently unable to post at this time.  Tried but no luck.  Will try again Monday or Tuesday at the latest.

 

Addendum to last night's blog

A perfect day for reading

 

The weather on Saturday was gorgeous here and it was just my luck that I had the perfect book for outdoor reading, William Rabkin's “Writing The Pilot: Creating The Series”.    When I was in my twenties, I started writing a comedic novel called, “New Year's Resolutions” <--a bit ironic now that I think about it…started it but didn't keep up with it…  It was VERY similar to Bridget Jones's Diary, the idea of it. At the same time, I started writing 2 other novels (not comedies). I never finished any of them. I started them because they seemed to possess me the way songs do.  I could see them from beginning to end and I realized, these we're NOT songs. Yes, I considered “Alice's Restaurant” and “2112” but mine would have been much, much longer. You knew that didn't you? So, I didn't see an audience for that but I did, for the novel's I started.  I blamed myself at the time for not finishing them. In hindsight, I was so busy with working, Barbizon modeling lessons, modeling, acting lessons, dancing and vocal lessons, music and band stuff. Dan and I were dating too. I was crazy about him and wanted to spend every other moment I had with him. It was 10 more years before I got hit with another inspiration, my screenplay, “The List”.


For at least 20 years now I've had this inkling in the back of my head. (Bother, bother, bother) "Write a novel". (Bother, bother, bother).  "You need to write a novel!" (Bother, bother, bother) Call it “Growing Up Female” "loosely base it on what you went through and saw as a girl growing up.” I saw the movie “Clueless” (Bother, bother, “Mean Girls” (Bother, bother) and I often thought Ally Sheedy's character (Bother) in "The Breakfast Club” (Bother, Bother) and thought, "That would be a great one to uncover and explain."  There were all sorts of girls I grew up with, that I felt, should have had more of a voice in certain situations. “Freaks and Geeks” AWESOME, went straight to the heart, cured me of my bother, bother, bother, for a while. BUT something kept simmering in the back of my mind. A fan of TV shows based on John Boy Walton and Laura Ingalls Wilder, I started keeping a journal. Then around age 12, after my father started asking me questions, he only would have come up with, had he read something in my journaling…  He had. He was concerned. Rightly so. For him it was that bother, bother, bother and he was never anything but courageous when it came to starting tough conversations. He dove right in, shoot first and don't give them an opportunity to disagree, just lay down the law. This particular time he was lost and willing to ask for directions, which came in the form of some serious questions to me. Great father move but my journaling came to an abrupt stop. (Cue record scratch sound) Instead, I started coping down lyrics of songs I liked into a journal. I would record them off of the radio and painstakingly listen over and over as I scribed. Next, I found myself writing my own lyrics and later just putting pen to paper and writing whatever showed up, which then escalated to recording what happened to find it's way through me.  This is what all that bother is now chattering on about! ("Back to back... Back to back, to back, to back again... Back to back, you know I do, I still remember when, you put us back to back and you made comparison's, snide remarks about my body, how I never could win, you know it made me, it made me feel, made me feel, less than, less than, less than human." And all the doctors and their medicines, couldn't cure the sicknesses you put in my mind")


You see, once upon a time, my best friend and I came up with a plan.  I would become a soap opera actress and a singer and she would run a home for runaway girls.  With the profits of my music and acting going towards the functioning of that home. Okay, I didn't say it was a sound plan and yes,the universe had a plan of its own.  (She scratches her head and wonders what exactly that might be… (bother, bother, bother…) she's been trying to finesse some version of that all her life but like Tetris, the pieces kept falling down, faster and faster, unmanageable at times to keep up with and threatening to bury her.  All the more reason to be tenacious and keep thinking how do you do this? Imagining the smallest of scales scenario, the biggest and all that would fall in between.) My best friend and I went our separate way years ago, as she found other ways to put her talents to use with children in another country. These past 10 years, I have considered a strictly music show. I considered a one-person show, something like a Demetri Martin's, “If I”. My working title was “What If?” but time rushes on, other things come to light, like "What if it's too late for that plan to work?"  I seem to be dealing with A LOT of change and challenges which creates a moving target situation. So I go back to the chalkboard, add what I know now as I try to reassemble a plan. So many songs written and packed away. It's like an encyclopedia I was writing for some reason. The reason was to help others and yet, I question now, if it wasn't the universe's way of showing me, my biggest flaw. I saw them as MINE. My songs, I have spent my life, my time, my tears, my laughter, so much of my energy has gone into them. Seems too painful to allow someone else to karaoke them or change their intention. You know, I felt the same way about my children. Overprotective. Still, somehow I found the courage to give them to the world and allow them to become what the universe intended. Those painful moans are mine, oh the growing pains!!! How much more must I... grow... let go... accept... learn to trust... on and on the questions and the pangs of sorrow.


Some years back I had considered a rewrite of "Singing In The Rain" only with a twist, a loop and a handful of songs I protectively guarded. It was sometime around Britney Spears rise to fame, I consider the bullsh... young girls are fed, so that people can make money at the expenses of vulnerable girls, while at the same time grooming them to be the pawns of “The Man's” world.  (I love men but let's face it a #METOO movement didn't pop out of thin air) Thought to myself, “Homey don't play that”! (No, I don't hit people in the head, though occasionally I have to speak up or at the least WRITE in an effort to educate or at the least be that voice...) Yeah... I've crossed the line of hypocrisy in moments and played the role I was groomed for... Told myself it was okay because it was for the better good... told myself it was the one strength or tool I had because... doesn't matter, excuses don't make it okay on either side but it takes real effort and mistakes to make a conscious change stick...) Anyway, the young coquettish ingenue, is a lip-syncher, perfect 10, jail bait type and her manager wants something better for her.  A Liz Lemon type. During the escape the crowd scene, as in the original "Singing In The Rain", of all vehicles they end up escaping in, it's a “Mom Van,” unbeknownst to Mom. Who ends up finding them in her car, after getting home and closing herself in her garage and then fearing a home invasion only to be face to face with this young sensation... Yes, it's a comedy!!! Also, you guessed it! Mom is the one who traded her own dream to help secure the dreams of the future generations ( a stay-at-home mom).   No, she does not approve of coquettish ingenue or her manager. Yet as they await their pick up car, Mom warms up and confesses to her own singer/songwriter aspirations and shares some thoughts and lyrics/songs. Yes there is some lip syncing but no, the ending is not what you might first suspect. Now how do you take such a fine piece of established work as "Singing in the Rain" and create your own script based on it? Don't have the time to figure that out? Just look at the Tetris pieces falling, sigh... I have enough to sort out and put in place. So, just when you think I would be coming up with simpler ideas... Along comes the inkling to write a TV show. My life may be full of Tetris pieces, yet I realize how fortunate I am to continue my life is a dilettante but that little voice in the back of my head says, "Everyone has to start somewhere... You never know if you never try... Keep throwing that pasta up against the wall and see what sticks... BANG YOUR HEAD against that brick wall till you break through or get amnesia and forget what you wanted...I don't know just keep on keeping on and DREAM ON....


For whatever reason, if it's not a song I'm writing or a blog, it's a script.  I think my novel attempt days are behind me and I see where the music and lyrics I've written over the years, fall into a much more natural relationship with scripts, as I find them running through my head the way I do songs.  SATURDAY, was the perfect day to explore this idea of a TV show, with the working title of “Growing Up Female”. An hour long and with an example of our budding young 12 year old girl's writing and/or songs. Next step, write a pilot and see what comes next. Of course, I imagine all sorts of stuff like parents watching TV with their kids again and discussing things worth families discussing. I see Mothers and daughters, maybe even Fathers and daughters attending concerts or musicals and discussing on the way home, things like I discussed with my Mom after seeing "The Breakfast Club" together. I see the next generation consciously making decisions that will secure a future for them and their descendants.


As for Dan and I and our music.  We are once again, working on putting our old music program back together.  If it worked before, we can make it work again. We can tweak it from there and see where it goes.  I would suggest the same for you, if you fallen on tough times and are trying to get back into the swing of things.  No time like the present and no day like today to "Start at the very beginning. A very good place to start."


Frank Turner "Recovery"

 

Can you hear your heart beat?

 

When I was 4 or 5 years old my parents started taking in foster care children.  This continued until I was 10. When I was 11 my mother left our family. Yes, I have said this before because these experiences make up the foundation, I was given to build upon. Life is like a game of Jenga when you think about it. Only, it is the few and very fortunate that begin at the beginning. For most of us the game is already tipping a bit and we, if we are fortunate enough, we are given the information, experiences and abilities to wake up each day and continue playing. Often depending upon all the little moves that got us whatever security we might have and definitely it is dependent on our opponents moves against us. I suppose I keep bringing up my childhood because I saw, experienced and knew too much as a child to want to oppose life, mine or anyone else's. There were moments when my hands were forced or so I thought... Heart breaking moments or at the very least, moments that set me up for future heartbreak. But all that is just a prelude to this:


I sang my first solo on stage when I was four or five.  I was in the Head start program at my elementary school.  Our class was performing in a school talent show for the parents.  There wasn't going to be a solo in the song. I created extra lyrics for the song and the teacher said, “You sing that!” and that's how that happened.  I loved to sing and I loved to write rhymes in cards for people I loved. I also loved to be outdoors in nature. I loved being with my friends and my foster siblings.  I loved getting on my bicycle and riding around to neighbor's homes and stopping in to visit. I loved animals. I loved our local vet who owned a farm just outside of our neighborhood.  I loved that when my brother and I would come across a wounded animal, my brother would sit with me on the corner of our yard helping tend to that creature as we awaited our hero, the vet. I loved that our hero never dismissed us, crushed our hopes or gave us false hope. He would return the animals to us to be released back to where we found them or he would let us know that he carefully and gently put them down in an end to their suffering. I always looked at people the same as I looked at these animals. That may be why when I was in 5th grade I was elected class president for our school. That may be why when they got a video camera in the library and wanted to start a school news TV show, I was the first person the librarian approached on this.

 

Just after turning 11, one of those (Jenga) pieces my life was balancing on was removed. All those things that I loved, were left to teeter and I became an open target for opponents. I can't say precisely when it was but I found myself, outside of my life looking in, much like you do when you're dreaming, watching yourself and maybe even controlling that self to a certain degree but all the time you're disconnected, an observer, more than a participant.  This was my response to things forced upon me and my lack of control. I was zoning out mentally and then physically as I chose to skip school and stop trying to function in what I found to be a dysfunctional lifestyle for me. I spent as much of my time as I could, resting, recovering and searching out solutions. Still, many of these things continued to be forced upon me. I did have friends (many) and when I went to school I looked around and saw I was not alone.  There were others like me. Many of them angry and likely to bite,reminiscent of the wounded animals. During this time, I thought of my hero, the vet. I was infatuated with his son. More of a nepotistic thing and I realized this at some point. At that point, I had begun to understand that I was desiring to help heal the emotional wounds, created by dysfunction and I was inspired by this vet, who had come to the rescue of the wounded animals and in the process validated my brother's and my own efforts. It made my heart happy to find a friend in him and empowered me to trust that we are safe and being watched over and cared for. It was a Jenga piece that held it's place firmly, even as my tower began to teeter. I wanted to help others secure this piece. I saw how insecurities wounded and suspected, If we were each secure we could accomplish anything. I had aspirations of being the first woman president but that ended when I saw Olivia Newton John in Xanadu. I know you expected me to say Greece, which I really did enjoy but it was Xanadu that made me connect the idea of singing to help inspire greatness… which put directly is to say, to remind us of who we are and help us recover what has been lost and build on a stronger foundation, where each person is nurtured, educated and supported, so that we together, can create a more perfect union and a stronger foundation for all future generations.

To inspire greatness in others has been my life's ambition. Most of my life has been in service to this, the other parts have been invested in working on myself so that when those moments show up, I'm ready to go. It remains a work in progress. Whether I'm singing, writing, or just going about my daily life, it is the thing that drives me.

What is your life's ambition?

If you don't know what it is, I suggest you check in with your heart. That's why I wrote this.

 

What my worst Thanksgiving taught me

 

I was 12 years old.  It was Thanksgiving. My parents had left me in the care of my 16 year old and my 14 year old brothers or maybe they were in my care but definitely we were left to create our own Thanksgiving meal.  My grandmother had “sneaked over at some point to help my oldest brother with the turkey. I say, “sneaked” because my father was punishing her by going with my Mom and another couple to the Virgin Islands over Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was the holiday we always spent with her, my grandfather and my dad's side of the family. As part of that punishment we kids were to have our own Thanksgiving. He did not want her to have the satisfaction of even having us there.  I don't remember too much more than that and I didn't even know the story behind this strangeness until my mother and I discussed it, years later. There was so much people didn't discuss and I spent a lot of my youth puzzling over these things, with hurt feelings, confusion and shame. (I believed everything revolved around me, so when things went wrong it was my fault.  If I couldn't fix it, my failure. When they went well, I proudly congratulated myself for a job well done. I was clueless but thought I had it figured out and that I was in control, except when I wasn't and should have been. <--just a little FYI. Thank you Hall Linden for all that FYI, and while I'm being thankful (This is my Thanksgiving blog after all) let me also say thank you Phil Donahue, Oprah Winfrey and Richard Sher.  You were the parents I looked for, skipped school to spend time with and the ones I stretched out my arms and reached for so that my mind could be stretched enough that I might figure out what seemed so unfigureable.) Okay, so where was I? Well, I was in my bedroom, in my bed. It was probably around midnight when I realized it was really scary with no parents and equally so with me being the only one upstairs. Every little creak from the floor radiator caused me to convulse in fear, jolting me out of the beginning of sleep. It occurred to me, while It was really sad and empty with one parent, when my mom left us, it was a whole new experience to have fear on top of that, when there was no parent to be relied upon. My mind slipped into thoughts like, my parents may never come home or the plane might crash and… I had a very creative mind that did not always work in my favor, so this went on basically most or all of the night.  I can't remember how many days they were gone but I think it was a week. I definitely skipped some school during their away time.

 

I think I failed to mention why my father was punishing his mother.  She said she did “not want that woman in her house”. That woman was my mom and in her house was in regards to Thanksgiving day.  She and my dad were trying to work things out. They wanted/"needed for their relationship" to spend Thanksgiving together, away from stress and any of those that didn't want to see them back together.  It was important to their relationship! Their relationship was important for mine and my brother's well being. I learned through my experience in this, that so much can be nurtured in a child when parents are together, on the same page and showing their children that all things can be worked through, when each is committed to the work and each other.

 

They did make it home safely, after I spent many nights, alone on the top floor of my home, in my bedroom, trying to sleep with the radio on, in hopes I might feel okay enough to drift off to sleep.  “I'd tune it to some friendly voices. Talking bout stupid things. I can't be left to my imagination. Let me be weak. Let me sleep and dream of sheep”--Kate Bush

 

So why blog about this now?  It has stood the test of time as the worst Thanksgiving I ever had and I wouldn't want anyone else to have to experience that.  My family was on faulty grounds because they chose to punish each other, when they couldn't control things to be the way they wanted them.  They were not united and did not think about the effect, their actions were having on the family as a whole. That was so hurtful to the child I was and it has had lingering consequences.  Maybe that's why I'm haunted by the idea that my beloved country of UNITED States, would separate children from their families and take such a hostile position with each other. I believe we live in a fractal universe where all things small and large build out in such a way to resemble each other. I believe the smallest things lend to the building of the largest things and the larger things begin to effect the build and shape of even the tiniest of things. I think our chances of survival increase when we evolve together. How do we encourage evolution? I'm guessing we start with ourselves and giving each of our bodies cells what they need to function at their best, much like a community, state or country would do for their residents, if it was promoting life and well being. It's like how when that oxygen mask drops, we put it on ourselves, to secure our abilities to be of the most help to others. I realize, that is what my parents were trying to accomplish when they left us kids that Thanksgiving. They were an inspiration to me, as they showed me you can always fix what is broken, when the parties involved are committed to doing so. Their marriage was stronger than ever for the efforts they put into understanding each other's needs and honestly working toward supporting each other. I am thankful for the many lessons I learned from watching them work things out.

 

Here is a link to an article I read a few weeks ago and I promised myself I would find a way to share it. I hope you will take a little time to read it and consider what a wonderful world this would be if we all would look for solutions instead of problems: https://www-nytimes-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/www.nytimes.com/2018/10/26/opinion/caravan-migrants-asylum-trump.amp.html?amp_js_v=0.1#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.nytimes.com%2F2018%2F10%2F26%2Fopinion%2Fcaravan-migrants-asylum-trump.html

 

Happy Thanksgiving! Take it easy out there and make sure you get to your loved ones and home again safely, while doing your best to aid others in doing the same. Here it is my favorite song to post at Thanksgiving: Geggy Tah's "Whoever You Are (All I Want To Do Is To Thank You")

 

Dreams of Pete Townshend

 

It's 2:13 am in the morning.  I don't know maybe it's just trying to get my thyroid levels right medication changes but I found myself up a lot lately again.  It comes in waves. Early on before I understood the medical side I just imagined, in the middle of the night must when I was most susceptible to epiphanies music and stuff.  It's like in the movie Tommy, when he's trying to explain to the masses they need to shut their hearing off cover their eyes and not speak so they can find themselves. The sleeping hours leave me to my own world, uninterrupted.  I think it was 98 when I was waking up and I was writing songs like “Vulnerable” in the middle of the night while everyone slept. Words and thoughts and ideas coming through me like a radio picking up waves. Broadcasters transmitting from another world another realm another time,  I'm just the receiver. As these things come through I just open my mouth or put pen to paper and it shows up, “I am a musical profit. I am a girl with a logic. Not ordinary but if you listen to me, listen to things, I'll take you places you always knew they exist they're inside of you call it a spiritual journey Call It Whatever You Like whatever you need just start remembering.”. It goes on to explain how we all had a former idea of who we were and then we were born and then there was chaos and the pieces that we were supposed to remember got confusing and lost in the chaos.  So now I sit here at 2:25 in the morning and I think about what Pete Townshend was trying to communicate and how much it resonates with me. It's so magnificent that he was able to do what he did and get as much of that Vision out. I think I've tried to walk in his footsteps, only with my feet bound in high heeled shoes. I can't cover the distance and my feet are bleeding, yet every time I want to trade them in on comfortable walking shoes they tell me those shoes are too big for your feet. As I walk away I hear them behind me saying there goes Alice, her head is getting swelled, she needs to take that pill that makes her small again and I want to kick like a baby in a uterus I want to kick and expand the world because for too long I feel I've been sitting on the curb side with my knees up to my chin,  the weight of the world on my shoulders, I try to balance in my petite hands. Meanwhile these thoughts kick around in my head trying to expand my mind. They keep developing and waiting for that moment when they get born. I thought it would happen when the little girls were asking for Bratz dolls and their mothers were dressing them up and the tiny shorts that said pink and other things across the butt. I thought it again as I stared at the little girl across the restaurant whose mother was on her phone texting or something the whole meal and the little girl was trying to get her attention, being silenced, so her mother could pretend she wasn't there and get to what she was invested in, which appeared to be technology or something, until finally that's small brilliant child realized it was futile and just stared out the window, reminiscent of Tommy.   My own Pete Townshend like visions were so bright once upon a time. Too many hurdles, too much loss, and exhausting trying to swim upstream. Et tu Hashimoto! Yes…. Cue the fog in the brain and it all fades away. Occasionally the fog clears, just about the time another perplexing situation decides to arrive on the scene right on cue as if according to script.


So here I am awake now at 2:50 a.m.   been awake for a good hour and a half I think… probably means I'll have s*** for brains tomorrow.  “Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow…” forgive my melancholy, I obviously need to get back to bed.  Sleep deprived!!! Forgive my ramblings if this should happen to be of no consequence tomorrow. It's possible I sleep blogged but I realize none of this will be with me in the morning if I don't record it now it will be gone like so many other things…  I talked to texted this and evidently I have a speech impediment so it makes making sense of it all more fun. I have fine motor skill issues or fat thumbs so even as I try to edit I just don't know… read this at your own risk and I probably should have started this blog that way.  Either way as Alice learned in Wonderland, There's no sense like nonsense. Good night and sweet dreams. I'm off to find me a Cheshire Cat

 

Still Dreaming...

 

I hope you are content with the election results!


I for one, spent hours going over my sample ballot, while researching all the things I was able to vote on.  I carefully considered what I thought would be best for American children and then thought about things like gentrification, something I had never considered until TV shows like "Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt" started to introduce the concept to me. Prior to that I had no idea of the fears, irritations, concerns and complications some have over gentrification and how it creates real struggles for some even as it breathes new life into a place previously in decline or in need of restructuring for the sake of function. I think I have lots more to understand in regards to this. Especially after this short introduction into part of what it is and does. I wouldn't want to contribute to something that threatens another person's pursuit of the American Dream. Yes, I am still a dreamer. Though many have tried to shake me awake and at times my dreams take on the form of nightmares. Apparently, a dreamer, is who I am.


I thought about the red tide here in Florida as I studied my ballot.  Fish, mammals, coral, all that is life and that lead to thoughts about how the butterfly effect can take effect.  Because I am a dreamer, I have no rational choice to fall back on. Sure I can think, measure, carefully research, understand the facts but I am confined by my own beliefs on life. I do believe we are ONE and I live my life with the idea that all life is constantly being recycled and when my life force leaves this body, it may find itself as the make up of some other life form.  Perhaps another human, born into a life of less freedom or a creature of less fortunate circumstances. I encourage myself to believe that with a consciousness of my effect on the world around me, put into daily life actions, I may be benefiting, that which I might one day find myself to be.  At the very least, I do want my life to benefit life, regardless of where my own life force may or may not wind up in the end of this life I possess. I believe we really all should try to leave things better than they were when we arrived and if we can't, we should leave before we destroy the beauty of what already exists. That's my belief and I can't change it. I can't adapt it. I believe this has caused me to feel ill at ease with life. And that my friends, is a sad little secret from my soul to yours. I hope you sleep better than I. I hope you stay healthy when the environment is not conducive to health.

Okay that might have been a little too deep…  Let's go back to TV shows like Northern Exposure, where the uppity, intelligent doctor comes into town thinking he knows it all, only to realize that he is in for a real education on just how much he has yet to learn.  OU, OU, OU, I raise my hand here because that's one I can really relate to since just about every time I completely think I know something, something or someone comes along, challenges that belief and I begin to have my mind expanded. And lucky for me, I had already voted by the time I happened upon THIS.  Not that it would have changed my vote but I would not have gone as passionately in the direction of the polls. I did go, with great hope and enthusiasm, that the right amount of comfort, the people in my county and state longed for would be delivered or protected.  Actually that hope and enthusiasm goes out to all of us!

GOD BLESS!!!