Kristina Furey

"The love you're born to find"--Dean Lewis

This is a letter I wrote some time ago, to a person I hold dear.  It popped back into my head and has been pulling at me ever since December, when I heard "Be Alright" by Dean Lewis. I just kept feeling, at the very least, I should revisit what I had written and consider sharing it.  Sure, it was written for a female but I think it's pretty universal. I would say the same about the Dean Lewis song. 

"Hey sweetie when I woke up this morning you were the first person on my mind.  I may have let my own motivations get ahead of yours yesterday and I apologize for that.  I feel like I should have listened more and spoken less.  I jumped in and blurted out everything I did because I knew you were hurting over that past boyfriend and I wanted to fix it.  I don't want you to hurt.  So when you spoke of this new guy, I wanted to warn you not to jump in too soon.  It occurred to me this morning that there may be a part of you craving validation and maybe you found that, in the way this new guy related to you.  I do know guys sometimes use that as a ploy though and since I don't know this new guy, I don't trust his intentions and I was feeling protective of you.  Today, it occurs to me that what I should have done was assure you that you are smart girl and that you should trust your own intentions. 

I remember falling into relationships with the rebound guy. So today, I’d like to share this with you.  I remember people telling me rebound guy never makes it.  In hindsight it's possible they were right.  Because rebound guy was just the guy that reminded me of the thrill of first meetings.  He reminded me I could get butterflies in my stomach again.  He reminded me that I could stop thinking about the guy that I was heartbroken over.  He reminded me of the reasons why Mr. Heart Breaker didn't cut it with me.  Sometimes he reminded me that it was I, who wanted to or did break up in the first place with Mr. Heart Breaker because he wasn't cutting it.  And as I looked at Mr. Rebound, I thought, "That's right, I WAS Going to break up with Mr. Heart Breaker and then I would go into my long list of the reasons why.  And as I stared into Mr. Rebound's eyes I thought, "Yes, I can still love."  But unfortunately for Mr. Rebound, the real lesson he taught me, was that it was me that I could still love.  And maybe it never worked out with Mr. Rebound because what I really needed to get over Mr. Heart Breaker was time to get back in touch with my own needs and my own goals and understand that Mr. Heart Breaker was no longer in my future or part of those goals. So Mr. Rebound really was more of a coach.  You know, that guy that rubs your shoulders and tells you , “You're the champ and now get back in that ring.”  Poor Mr. Rebound because the whole time he's thinking you need to get back in that ring with me, he doesn't understand that you have to get back in that ring by yourself and prove to yourself that you are okay.  In fact, YOU are MAGNIFICENT and your goals and your dreams and the future that you are staring into is INCREDIBLE and worthy of nothing less than an equally INCREDIBLE person by your side.  And that's what you need to realize, to honestly assess the relationship with Mr. Heart Breaker as you logically deconstruct it, label it and file it away as an experience that brought you joy, heartache, taught you stuff and got you closer to understanding who you are and who you aren't.   What were you thankful for?  And no I don't mean "I'm thankful it's over damn it!"  I mean, what about the relationship, felt like love and comfort and warmth or support?  What were your happiest moments when you were in that relationship and what was going on?  Those might be things you'll want to recreate in your life. There were happy moments with Mr. Heart Breaker.  I can't believe anyone completely wrong for you would hold your attention for any amount of time.  So, take stock of the love and the good moments that you had together.  Like those moments you and he chose to spend time, money and attention on each other.   You both chose to put up with some things that weren't so comfortable too and some how at the time it was worth the choice.  Be honest with yourself about what worked and then be honest with yourself about what didn't work.  And then think about what are the most important things that you need in a relationship.  What did you need from Mr. Heart Breaker that you didn't get?  What things did he do that you don't want in your life?  File these things away so when you're meeting, talking to, dating or in a relationship with someone and you see these things again you will already know this is not for you and hopefully know before you have bonded too much...

Maybe this new guy is a good male friendship for now.  Maybe he is Mr. Rebound.   But what about friendship with a male?  Let's see, you get a good idea of who they are and you see them from a different perspective, then if you're engaged with them in a sexually motivated way.  "Friends" gives you time to see them in different lights and scenarios.  Who knows, maybe you look at him after a while and think “Damn he's sexy but I know all his faults and they don't work with me.”  Or “That boy is trouble!  He's fun as a friend but it would be no fun having my heart stomped all over by his troubled ways.  Or maybe, one day you'll find yourself going “Damn he is sexy and he is a mighty fine man and that might be something I want to pursue!?!”  All I really wanted to say yesterday was take time because you have it.  Do the things that make your pulse race and put a smile on your face that don't include guys.  Pay attention to the males in your life and the things that you like about them and the things that you don't like so much and the things that you don't like so much but they're tolerable.  It's just my thought and I could be wrong, you have to figure out what's right for you but it's my thought that if you take a step back and just start observing yourself, what makes you smile (?), pay attention to other people and what about them works for you (?) and doesn't work for you… (?)   if you just build up your awareness muscle like the rest of the muscles that you work on, it will make you stronger and help you get out of life more of what YOU want.  

Let it be known that Dan is not perfect.  I am not perfect.  We work at our relationships. We put up with things we don't always want to put up with but we are in deep.  Somewhere along the years we dated, we bonded and we chose what we chose.  Now, we choose our battles. We put up with things sometimes that we otherwise wouldn't want to and make it work because we want it to work.  Each of us had relationships before that we did that with and then we decided one day or someone in the relationship decided one day, this isn't working or I don't want to work at this anymore or I don't want to be the one doing all the work here.  There was no right person, there was no wrong person, no seriously flawed person, there were just two people that were no longer choosing each other and choosing to make it work.  Dan and I found each other and we keep making the choice to make it work.  Relationships aren't easy.  They aren't one sided.  But they are easier when we realize, they take a lot of work, each person in them is responsible to make it work and the work is never ending.  Unless the relationship ends but even then, there are the residual effects, which I'm sure you're now experiencing as far as your X-boyfriend goes.  So most importantly, what I want to share with you, is that the most important person to make sure these things work out with, is yourself!!!  So be sure to work on understanding what works in relationships for you.  And while you're doing that, here's something to keep in mind.  You don't need to trust anybody else if you can trust yourself.  You don't have to worry that the boy will hurt you, if you can trust yourself to get hurt and get back up and keep moving.  You don't have to trust that your house is safe from hurricanes and other disasters, if you trust yourself to know, that so long as you survive the hurricanes and disasters, you can get up and you can move on.  You are a beautiful, strong young woman and unfortunately there are let downs in life but you have everything you need to get back up and keep moving!!! Should you ever start to question that, please know that I love you and I'm here to remind you! I love you so much my dear!!!"

 

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