Kristina Furey

"There eyes are glazed as if captured in a moment of time"

"All my dolls have seen better days their hair is frizzed their limbs are torn and their eyes are glazed as if captured in a moment of time. All my dolls I've loved them all but every little girl must fall. Every father dreads the day, it's not Prince Charming taking their daughter away. Mother wishes her daughter best, just hopes she finds her happiness. The dolls are too soon pushed away and fire seems to take their place.

The pigtails were homely and mother wished that I could learn to brush my hair, that I would take a care to how I looked. All the fashions never fit. If they did they were too expensive. All the pimples made it worse. My looks, they were my only curse. Mother's secrets, all passed down. Daddy's busy, not around. The dolls were all replaced by fears of bastard children if you didn't take care. And if by chance you had a girl, what you wanted for yourself, you must have for her but unless she keeps her innocence, she'll never really get her prince. If she is to stay naive, she'll never have the chance to be, she'll never have a chance to know, never have a chance to grow. All my dolls have seen better days, their hair is frizzed, their limbs are torn and their eyes are glazed, as if captured in a moment of time." ---From my journal dated 6/26/86 at 11:42 p.m.  I titled it, "All My Dolls."
 
Today while listening to an interview on Fresh Air with Author, Linda Kay Klein, I found my heart pumping in that anxious way, it often does before I say or do something or blog something that scares the heck out of me but would scare me more, if I didn't answer to that part of me that yells in the back of my head, "Do something, ANYTHING!!! Just don't let this moment pass by. You are a muscle, the world has built, using the resistance of those negative experiences you have witnessed, been exposed to or endured, as much as by every kindness or blessing tossed your way to be paid forward.  It's time to flex in an effort to help create the change the world is in need of." These moments, are always the hardest but I would be kidding myself, if I actually thought it would do me any good to close my eyes, look the other way or keep my mouth shut. That would be in direct conflict with what the world has created me to be and why I exist. So, here I go… asking you, to please, listen to the interview with the understanding that this is something most girls struggle with, whether or not they’re raised in a religious environment.  

We live in a world of double standards and one that scapegoats and controls females and their sexuality.  It is cruel to put so many conflicting beliefs in a young girl's head, set her up for failure regardless of the path she chooses (Madonna/whore crap) and to make her feel responsible for any unwanted attention that comes her way! It also hurts everyone who is affected by the fall out, when a woman lacks confidence in something as beautiful as her individual sexuality. It ruins relationships, marriages, families and lives. We owe it to all, to educate all people to respect their own and everyone else’s sexuality. I think it was a real miss when Jocelyn Elders was passed over. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, look it up.) We need to empower the young to understand their bodies own them and be confident enough to say, "You may be a doctor" religious leader or other person of some esteemed position "but this is MY BODY and I am uncomfortable with this!"  Everywhere around us we seem to see more and more evidence, that it is time to set boundaries here.  We need them, to keep ourselves and loved ones from becoming"victims" or "perpetrators".  We need these boundaries so we, as bystanders, understand, when, we need to step in and divert the allowances that lead to abuses.  (Obviously, many people are confused on this, if you listen to all the stories in the media about the people who knew of these “indiscretions” but never spoke out or diverted the would be “perpetrators”.  Maybe I shouldn’t but I feel a need to give them the benefit of doubt.  If, all around them, it seems par for the course, they might just assume there is some unspoken rule in society, that when you reach a certain esteemed position in life, your will is catered to, past our laws or morale teachings.  Especially, once they’ve witnessed what happens to those who refuse to play by those unspoken rules and speak up on behalf of victims entangled in these “indiscretions.”)  I was brought up to believe we are all a part of this society and it is our duty, to do our part, to hold each one of it’s members, in balance but even I’m beginning to find my efforts weakened by the blurred lines… (sigh)
 
Yesterday, in another interview, I heard Sally Field say "There are patterns that get set up in your life that as an adult you have to work your whole life to try to untangle. Because they might be survival patterns when you're a child, but as an adult they completely get in your way and they're unproductive. ..."  (I have seen this in myself and other people that have tried to hold onto some sacred pieces of themselves while realizing it is impossible to get through, what they must, in one piece.  So we choose the pieces of ourselves we want to save and sacrifice the rest for survival.  I explored that concept in a song I wrote when I was 18, "The Mirror's Cracked" Here is the gist of it "The mirror's cracked, now I don't know how to find me.  The mirror's cracked, now I see myself a million different ways.  The mirror's cracked, I'm afraid of what I might see.  I never wanted you to ever have to see me this way.  I never wanted you to ever have to see me this way.  I never wanted to ever see you look at me that way!"  People don't speak up about these things because our society tends to victim blame and oh boy, they like to label people in a derogatory way, when they have a need to feel high and mighty.  Then we wonder why someone stays silent for years...  It's a lose/lose situation. 


As a preteen girl with no mother around, I had my own experiences to sort through.  It seemed people saw me through a kaleidoscope of perceptions.  One needed only to slant the view a skosh, to depict me in the light that best suited them, allowing them to label me, in the way, most useful to them.  The way that helped to best justify their attitude and actions towards me.   I had not the power or the experience to change things at that point in my life.   I held onto the hope that one day, I might be the person that I kept hoping would show up for me in my life.  I wanted to show up for myself and to show up for others.  I started by keeping a diary and later, a book of lyrics and tapes full of songs.  Occasionally, I would let on to another what I knew and expected they might themselves be dealing with and through those conversations, I was introduced to experiences, completely second hand experiences, which I also added to my writings.  I wanted to make sure I would never get amnesia and become part of the system that allows or encourages the sacrifice of a young girls self-esteem, body or life.  As a teenager, my best friend and I spoke many times of a desire to create a safe house for girls in risky situations.  Her mother had always let me in their home, when I showed up at the door in need of the care of a mother.   At the time that meant EVERYTHING to me!!!


I want to end this blog with a plea to you to listen to the two interviews I’ve mentioned here and then watch Gayle King’s interview with Elizabeth Smart.  Afterwards, please consider what we as a society, nation, human race, are sacrificing when we allow pieces of our young females to be sacrificed.  Pieces, add up to lives that touch all of our lives.    

Last, I would like to leave you with the lyrics to a song, I wrote called, "I Am No Sacrifice"---"She was pretty, pretty as a rose. Daddy’s little princess and Mommy loved her so. But behind those bright eyes, she hid such pain. She never let it show, no, she smiled it all away. Oh, what she taught me, she taught me. What her story bought me, her life bought me, was the life of my friend. No, her life won't end. Cuz she is no sacrifice. She is no sacrifice. She will not pay that price. No, she is no sacrifice.  And he played games with her, games with her and he put shame in her, shame in her.  Put all the blame on her, blame on her. She will not pay no, no!  Cuz we have a choice here, a choice here. We have a voice here, a voice here. Get this message to all girls and women. We MUST make them listen, listen. And say, "I am no sacrifice." Say, "I am no sacrifice." Say, "I am no sacrifice!" Say, "I am no sacrifice!"


 

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